26. reporting in

Reporting in last night, was a very positive experience for me. But greater than that was to listen to everyone else report in. Quite a powerful activity. Jason reported he benefitted it greatly to me personally. Everyone is so wonderful, so amazing, so inspiring.

25. Borrowed Body

Borrowed Body by Valerie Mason-John (aka Queenie, aka Vimalasara) is a first novel by a WBO order member. This harrowing autobiographical novel traces her experiences in fosters homes, reuniting with her physically abusive mother, meeting her African half sister, a return to foster homes, and incarceration. It reminds me of City of One, Angela's Ashes, All Over But The Shoutin', The Glass Castle, and all those horrible childhood memoirs. Also The Painted Bird, a lovely miserable novel of abuse on children during World War 2.

Borrowed Body too becomes bewitching once you adjust your tolerance for observing suffering, another finely written book about personal suffering that will most likely not get the recognition is deserves because most people must avert their gaze.

Horrified anxiety is my mental muscle lactic acid. I try to increase my tolerance by watching horrible movie and reading these kinds of books. To transform suffering into understanding and empathy for others is a nobel quest to me. It is the goal of Avalokita to end all suffering, as preposterous and impossible as that may seem from a limited person. The psychotherapy group I lead has recently drifted into the topic of whether you can love your enemy, they are all Christians. I convert the thought into the boddhisattva idea, the aspiration of alleviating all the suffering. You try, that's the point.

I tried to drive my car like the Buddha. But it's just too hard. I have too many habits that involve harsh speech, unskillful thoughts. So I gave up, frustrated. My mental states got even worse when driving. So I have returned to my goal, but attempt to eliminate the frustration, because the impossible seeming goal is better than not having the goal. If you do not get discouraged, the goals of spirituality are helpful. At least it is so for me.

I recognize Vimalasara's suffering, and thank her for sharing it publicly in such a well written book.

Additionally as therapist, I define behaviors, defenses, coping skills, and appreciate the delicacy and the closeness in which she observes her own behavior. And the honesty. I can only guess at how accurate and close this was to the experience, because it's a novel and not a memoir. But it must be rooted deeply in her experience. This is my kind of novel. I highly recommend it.

24. Confession

A Confession

... whatever evil, cruel act was done by me previously, I will confess it all before the Buddhas. Whatever evil I have done by not attending to my parents, by neglecting the Buddhas, by neglecting the good; whatever evil I have done by being drunk with the intoxication of authority or with the intoxication of high birth or by being drunk with the intoxication of tender age; whatever evil I have done, bad thought, bad word, by an act badly done (or) by not perceiving a mishap; whatever evil I have done by the application of foolish reasoning, by a mind dark with ignorance, under the influence of an evil friend or by a mind distracted by impurities, under the compulsion of sport or enjoyment or through the influence of anxiety or anger, or enjoyment or through the fault of unsatisfied wealth; whatever evil I have done by my associations with ignoble people, by reason of envy and greed, or by the fault of guile or wretchedness; whatever evil I have done through failure to gain mastery over my desires by reason of fear at the time of approaching troubles; whatever evil I have done through the influence of a flighty mind or through the influence of passion and anger or through being oppressed by hunger and thirst; whatever evil I have done for the sake of drink and food, for the sake of clothing, for a reason involving women, through the various afflictions of impurities; whatever evil of body, tongue and mind, bad action accumulated in threefold manner, I have done, together with similar things, I confess it all.

--p.10-11 The Golden Light Sutra, translated byR.E. Emmerick, reprint of the 3rd edition 2001(with parentheses taken out for readability)

23. Padmasuri

There are two books by female FWBO order members. Srimala's Breaking Free is aptly titled, "Glimpses of a Buddhist Life". I wanted to find out how she meditated with two children, but she never told me. Similarly Naghabodhi wrote about India in his book Jai Bhim! Dispatches from a peaceful Revolution. While the two previous books are worthy in their own way, I found Padmasuri's book But Little Dust: life amongst the 'ex-untouchable' buddhist of india topped both in their project by going deeper.

Padmasuri's book is in 3 sections. There was the time she worked there as a nurse and acclimated herself to some degree. There is a middle section of fiction, that perhaps conveys a woman's life in India. And in the final section she is a Dharma teacher, traveling all over India.

I particularly wanted to know more about a retreat she briefly describes, how she came to the decision not to have children. I also wanted her to update the book, because the first edition was in 1990, the second in 1997.

But what she gave me was rich and provoked me to more thought. I've been corresponding with Anil in Pune, and quite enjoyed getting more information about his conditions there. There are no other books like this one, I searched on Amazon. I liked her description, too, of the project of taking Buddhism to India. Or rather supporting it in India. She called it a coals to Newcastle project.

I also quite enjoyed her description of a trip to a cave where Padmasambhava meditated.

I'm going to see if Alyssa wants to borrow it.

22. Advice from Me to Myself

Advice from Me to Myself by Patrul Rinpoche

Vajrasattva, sole deity, Master,
You sit on a full-moon lotus-cushion of white light
In the hundred-petalled full bloom of youth.

Think of me, Vajrasattva,
You who remain unmoved within the manifest display
That is Mahamudra, pure bliss-emptiness.


Listen up, old bad-karma Patrul,
You dweller-in-distraction.

For ages now you've been
Beguiled, entranced, and fooled by appearances.
Are you aware of that? Are you?
Right this very instant, when you're
Under the spell of mistaken perception
You've got to watch out.
Don't let yourself get carried away by this fake
and empty life.

Your mind is spinning around
About carrying out a lot of useless projects:
It's a waste! Give it up!
Thinking about the hundred plans you want to accomplish,
With never enough time to finish them,
Just weighs down your mind.
You're completely distracted
By all these projects, which never come to an end,
But keep spreading out more, like ripples in water.
Don't be a fool: for once, just sit tight.

Listening to the teachings — you've already
heard hundreds of teachings,
But when you haven't grasped the meaning of even
one teaching,
What's the point of more listening?

Reflecting on the teachings — even though you've listened,
If the teachings aren't coming to mind when needed,
What's the point of more reflection? None.

Meditating according to the teachings —
If your meditation practice still isn't curing
The obscuring states of mind—forget about it!

You've added up just how many mantras you've done —
But you aren't accomplishing the kyerim visualization.
You may get the forms of deities nice and clear —
But you're not putting an end to subject and object.
You may tame what appear to be evil spirits and ghosts,
But you're not training the stream of your own mind.

Your four fine sessions of sadhana practice,
So meticulously arranged —
Forget about them.

When you're in a good mood,
Your practice seems to have lots of clarity —
But you just can't relax into it.
When you're depressed,
Your practice is stable enough
But there's no brilliance to it.
As for awareness,
You try to force yourself into a rigpa-like state,
As if stabbing a stake into a target!

When those yogic positions and gazes keep your mind stable
Only by keeping mind tethered —
Forget about them!

Giving high-sounding lectures
Doesn't do your mind-stream any good.
The path of analytical reasoning is precise and acute —
But it's just more delusion, good for nothing goat-shit.
The oral instructions are very profound
But not if you don't put them into practice.

Reading over and over those dharma texts
That just occupy your mind and make your eyes sore —
Forget about it!

You beat your little damaru drum — ting, ting —
And your audience thinks it's charming to hear.
You're reciting words about offering up your body,
But you still haven't stopped holding it dear.
You're making your little cymbals go cling, cling —
Without keeping the ultimate purpose in mind.

All this dharma-practice equipment
That seems so attractive —
Forget about it!

Right now, those students are all studying so very hard,
But in the end, they can't keep it up.


Today, they seem to get the idea,
But later on, there's not a trace left.
Even if one of them manages to learn a little,
He rarely applies his "learning" to his own conduct.

Those elegant dharma disciplines —
Forget about them!

This year, he really cares about you,
Next year, it's not like that.
At first, he seems modest,
Then he grows exalted and pompous.
The more you nurture and cherish him,
The more distant he grows.

These dear friends
Who show such smiling faces to begin with —
Forget about them!

Her smile seems so full of joy —
But who knows if that's really the case?
One time, it's pure pleasure,
Then it's nine months of mental pain.
It might be fine for a month,
But sooner or later, there's trouble.

People teasing; your mind embroiled —
Your lady-friend —
Forget about her!

These endless rounds of conversation
Are just attachment and aversion —
It's just more goat-shit, good for nothing at all.
At the time it seems marvelously entertaining,
But really, you're just spreading around stories
about other people's mistakes.
Your audience seems to be listening politely,
But then they grow embarrassed for you.

Useless talk that just make you thirsty —
Forget about it!

Giving teachings on meditation texts
Without yourself having
Gained actual experience through practice,
Is like reciting a dance-manual out loud
And thinking that's the same as actually dancing.

People may be listening to you with devotion,
But it just isn't the real thing.

Sooner or later, when your own actions
Contradict the teachings, you'll feel ashamed.


Just mouthing the words,
Giving dharma explanations that sound so eloquent—
Forget about it!

When you don't have a text, you long for it;
Then when you've finally gotten it,
you hardly look at it.

The number of pages seems few enough,
But it's a bit hard to find time to copy them all.
Even if you copied down all the dharma texts on earth,
You wouldn't be satisfied.

Copying down texts is a waste of time
(Unless you get paid) —
So forget about it!

Today, they're happy as clams —
Tomorrow, they're furious.
With all their black moods and white moods,
People are never satisfied.
Or even if they're nice enough,
They may not come through when you really need them,
Disappointing you even more.

All this politeness, keeping up a
Courteous demeanor —
Forget about it!

Worldly and religious work
Is the province of gentlemen.
Patrul, old boy — that's not for you.

Haven't you noticed what always happens?
An old bull, once you've gone to the trouble of
borrowing him for his services,
Seems to have absolutely no desire left in him at all—
(Except to go back to sleep).

Be like that — desireless.


Just sleep, eat, piss, shit.
There's nothing else in life that has to be done.

Don't get involved with other things:
They're not the point.

Keep a low profile,
Sleep.

In the triple universe
When you're lower than your company
You should take the low seat.

Should you happen to be the superior one,
Don't get arrogant.

There's no absolute need to have close friends;
You're better off just keeping to yourself.

When you're without any worldly
or religious obligations,
Don't keep on longing to acquire some!

If you let go of everything —
Everything, everything —
That's the real point!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This advice was written by the practitioner Trime Lodro
(Patrul Rinpoche) for his intimate friend Ahu Shri
(Patrul Rinpoche), in order to give advice that is tailored
exactly to his capacities.

21. Shantinayaka and Amala

I had a good retreat, even though I was craving to go on the whole retreat, and not just the weekend, and I wanted to cram a bunch in because this might be my last retreat in a long time.

Driving up alone was OK because I listened to Sangharakshita lectures. I'm in the lectures on the Gold Light Sutra, which has a chapter on confession. And I called my father in California, which was a pleasant conversation.

I wasn't the only one late, Seth and Andrew ended up not getting there till all the activities were over too. I got to talk to them on the porch when I arrived, and that was nice. I woke Bill up when I went to my room, but he was nice about it.

Here's what the web site says about the retreat:

'Meditative awareness is more akin to hearing well than seeing clearly....' (from Stephen Batchelor, Living with the Devil). On this meditation retreat we will practice Mindfulness and Brahmavihara meditations to open our awareness and refine our ability to hear the 'cries of the world', to receive life as it is with all its pain and joys. As we cultivate stillness and quiet within we discover open space in which empathy and equanimity can be developed.

The retreat will be dedicated to Avalokitesvara, quintessential Bodhisattva of compassion.

Shantinayaka was ordained 15 years ago, in 1990. He taught at the London Buddhist Centre for 5 years and then moved to the West coast of the USA, helping to run the Seattle Buddhist Center for 8 years, teacher-in-residence at the San Francisco Buddhist Center for 1 year, and now based in Vancouver B.C. Has lead a number of meditation retreats over the years based on the contemplations outlined in the Anapanasati Sutta and the Brahma Viharas.

Amala was ordained in the year 2000. She has been studying and practicing Buddhism for more than 30 years. Amala is currently Director of Aryaloka Buddhist Center where she teaches many introductory classes and leads study groups and retreats. Amala has a particular interest in meditation. She has worked intensively with foundation mindfulness practices (Anapanasati and Satipatthana) and Bodhicitta practices over the last several years.

[end]

So Amala and Shantinayaka were the leaders. We meditated at 7, 10:30, 3 and 7 with a puja to end. Amala did Saturday and Shantinayaka did Sunday. We went into silence after the afternoon sit, though I walked and talked with Sita and Andrew before I left, and hugged Alyssa.

So good company, good leaders, wonderful setting inside the retreat center and out. I went for a walk along the river and disturbed the meditation of many frogs. I actually think frogs are good meditators, they sit very still. I had some deep sits. Some good thoughts based on what Amala and Shantinayaka said. I always love the food, though I'm afraid I seasoned the food too hot for Betsy. I liked Betsy's enthusiasm. I liked Sheila's poise. Sunada was there, and I had a good conversation with her while we prepared dinner, before we went into silence. And I had a very good talk with Sita.

The drive home was wonderful because I got to know Seth better, and he drove, thus saving me some energy I'll need for today to go back to work. A lovely lovely retreat, many thanks to everyone and especially Shantinayaka and Amala.

20. Anil

I've started a correspondence with Anil in Pune, India. I am quite excited. I hope I don't snow him over with details about my life, I hope I'm a good correspondent. I feel very lucky that he sent an e-mail to Vajramati asking for people to correspond with to bridge the gap between east and west in the order of F/WBO & TBMSG. A worthy goal.

Sangha night on Tuesday was good. I like meditating with the group. We have good discussions and it's good to hear Dharma talk. But I rush home, and I'm exhausted, because I have so much energy and have trouble falling asleep. I should go to sleep now, while I have the opportunity. I still cling to comfort.

I did get to listen to Sangharakshita lectures driving to work from New Jersey today, which feels dharmic.

19. Some links

http://www.tricycle.com/
http://www.westernbuddhistreview.com/
http://www.ciolek.com/WWWVL-Buddhism.html
http://online.sfsu.edu/~rone/Buddhism/BuddhismParents/BuddhismParents.html
http://www.geocities.com/bodhi_01au/index.html
http://www.windhorsepublications.com/
http://www.peacefuldwelling.org/
http://www.nyimc.org/
http://www.dharma.org/index.htm
http://www.aryaloka.org/
http://www.kamalashila.co.uk/
http://www.sangharakshita.com/
http://www.fwbo-nyc.org/
http://www.metta.lk/tipitaka/
http://www.geocities.com/manjushri_2000/buddhisttexts.html
http://www.dharmalife.com/
http://www.jamyang.co.uk/teachings/download_audio_mp3_teachings.html
http://www.ratnaprabha.freeserve.co.uk/
http://www.theopensecret.com/
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/buddhism/storybuddha.htm
http://www.fwbo-nyc.org/pdf-files.html
http://www.tibetanpaintings.com/
http://www.newyorkbuddhist.org/welcome/index.htm
http://diamondsutra.org/
http://www.cbsd.com/
http://www.geocities.com/longislanddharmagroup/
http://www.tbrc.org/
http://www.himalayanart.org/
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/index.html
http://www.tbmsg.org/index1.html
http://www.rmanyc.org/
http://www.bodhipaksa.com/photos/Padmasambhava2005/
http://www.dharma-media.org/media/general/dwnld/thanka/guru_rinpoche/emanations.html
http://www.dharma-media.org/media/general/dwnld/thanka/bodhisattvas/aryas.html
http://www.dharmalife.com/
http://www.buddhistchannel.tv/
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/outsources/audio.html
http://www.dharmastream.org/dharmatalks.html
http://www.satya.com/research/mantra.htm
http://www.thaistudents.com/album/index.html

18. spiritual urgency, courageous effort

When William woke at 5, I got up, even though it's Saturday. No work to get me up. But it's the only quiet time, and I like to meditate first thing in the morning. I made some coffee and read Sayadaaw U Pandita's book In This Very Life. He writes about courageous effort and spiritual urgency. Vajramati was talking about discipline of Milarepa. He said, "let me go home and tell them I'm going to be here." Milarepa said, "either stay or go and don't come back." So he stayed and became one of his top disciplines with great commitment to the three jewels. Having a child has taught me the importance of spiritual urgency, courageous effort.

The Metta Sutra

Metta Sutta: The Buddha's Words on Kindness

This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in saftey,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!

Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

The Heart Sutra

the heart sutra
 
The Bodhisattva of Compassion,
When he meditated deeply,
Saw the emptiness of all five skandhas
And sundered the bonds that caused him suffering
 
Here then,
Form is no other than emptiness,
Emptiness no other than form.
Form is only emptiness,
Emptiness only form.
 
Feeling, thought, and choice,
Consciousness itself,
Are the same as this.
 
All things are the primal void,
Which is not born or destroyed;
Nor is it stained or pure,
Nor does it wax or wane.
 
So, in emptiness, no form,
No feeling, thought, or choice,
Nor is there consciousness.
 
No eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, mind;
No colour, sound, smell, taste, touch,
Or what the mind takes hold of,
Nor even act of sensing.
 
No ignorance or end of it,
Nor all that comes of ignorance;
No withering, no death,
No end of them.
 
Nor is ther pain, or cause of pain,
Or cease in pain, or noble path
To lead from pain;
Not even wisdom to attain!
Attainment too is emptiness.
 
So know that the Bodhisattva
Holding to nothing whatever,
But dwelling in Prajna wisdom,
Is freed of delusive hindrance,
Rid of the fear bred by it,
And reaches clearest Nirvana.
 
All Buddhas of past and present,
Buddhas of future time,
Using this Prajna wisdom,
Come to full and perfect vision.
 
Hear then the great dharani,
The radiant peerless mantra,
The Prajnaparamita
Whose words allay all pain;
Hear and believe its truth!
 
Gata gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha

17. Vajramati

I met with Vajramati last night. We went to a crepe place. Good catching up with him. I've decided to focus more on going to sangha meetings on Tuesday night for a few months, and forgo the alternating of seeing him and then going to sangha meetings. I need more meditation support at the moment. I was worried he would be offended or off put, I do really appreciate his taking time out for me. And it's been wonderful to deepen our friendship. But right now I think I need to meditate more. It's such a struggle with children, a child, my sonny boy. He's woken up at 5am today, and he's taken a long time to go back asleep. So I'm going to meditate today. Monday-Yes, Tuesday-no, Wednesday-no, Thursday-yes!

16. Dayalocana

Ten years ago Dayalocana was ordained in the F/WBO. I don't know her except just a brief hello, but she's a leader up at Aryaloka, an important outpost of the FWBO in North America, on the eastern seaboard. Congratulations to Dayalocana!

I meditated this morning, I actually got up at 6 am. I think I'm going to skip mindfulness of breathing, in favor of the Bramha Viharas: metta, karuna, mudita & upekkha.

I read some of the first long discourse. Been reading Sayadaaw U Pandita's book In This Very Life also.

15. 8 manifestations

I put up the 8 manifestations of Padmasambhava in the kitchen, so I can be inspired when I'm in there.

I tried to meditate this morning, after a while. It was ragged, rough.

Sunanda lost a nephew, the sangha wishes Sunanda well.

I dip into Tara Bennett-Goleman's Emotional Alchemy sometimes.

Difficult day, my birthday around the corner. Narcissism and entitlement are on the rise.

14. Subhaddasi

Subhaddasi was here, and we profited greatly from his visit. He talked on Tuesday, Sangha night, and Saturday, a meditation day that Faye graciously hosted, and Vajramati cooked for. No more log of order members I have met, but it was an important visit.

This blog loses out to my mindfulness of William blog.

I've been reading Vessantara's Tales of Freedom. I'm always tired, overwhelmed, so I do try and repress my feelings, but I think where I am, is what I am, and I need to be more connected. I want to have more of an emotional calling for the three jewels.

How can I go for refuge more effectively? How can I manifest giving more emotionally? How can I meditate more, more effectively? How can I read more for quality than quantity? These are my present questions.

13. Too personal

I think this blog is too personal, so I'm going to leave off it for a while. When I resume it, I hope to make it about what inspirers me.

12. Missed first mitra meeting

I missed my first mitra meeting in a long while. I woke up too late to drive to Brooklyn. I'm not sure why I suggested going to meditate in people's houses, when we're spending so much time in New Jersey. It's a long schlepp from NJ. I was thinking I'd always be in Queens. Feels kind of weird to miss a meeting, I haven't missed one in a long while.

Vajramati is back, I want to call him, after he's settled in a little. He's performing a marriage tomorrow too. Alyssa organized a visit to the Buddhist temple in Staten Island, but that seems too far, for this relaxing family weekend.

I want to see Trebor too.

I've been having better meditations since I stopped judging myself so harshly, that layer of distraction and energy depletion is gone.

Haven't been reading or listening to any Buddhism. I'll check out the Buddhist news network website now, though.

11. Fell Asleep

I fell asleep last night, just as Sangharakshita was going to address the suggestion that the doctrine of the no-self contradicts rebirth and karma. Sangharakshita asserts that no major Buddhist teacher in the history of Buddhism had contradicted rebirth. I find it hard to believe myself. If it means anything, it's so slim, that it's useless. But I still need to investigate all the angles.

I really like listening to Sangharakshita on MP3, but unfortunately the best time is in the car, alone. Like driving to my therapist. Otherwise, others don't want to listen, and at night I fall asleep too quickly.

My therapist is on vacation for 3 weeks. I will miss him. The way he helps me is subtle. He's a good guy. I'm going to miss him. We talk a lot about Buddhism and I see him a crucial to my spiritual development, even though he is not a Buddhist.

I'm having better meditations by decreasing my judgments, or I experience them as more pleasant without judging myself. I still need to do some yoga, and lose some weight so that I can get into better positions and improve my postures.

Vajramati comes back today. I for one am glad. He's a constant here, seems wrong that he's gone. But I don't begrudge him retreats, vacations, anything. I just missed him, like it better when he's here. I should not treat him as the constant that I assume he is.

I'm on a mailing list for North America mitras, and Sandy Currie has been sending the most interesting posts to it. She's just back from Africa, and she's got a site of pictures. Hers' the address: http://ImageEvent.com/sandycurrie/southafrica2004. The password is "looksee". Nice pictures. I don't know her, but I've been following her pasts, and I wish her the best. I think she's from Vancouver.

I hear William (Joyti) crying, better investigate.

10 Sangha Night

Andrew and I felt bad, a guy came to the sangha night, after 3 beginning classes. Someone told him he could come. We were wondering how he found out where it was.

Jason, Alyssa and Andrew were there with me for Tuesday's sangha night, our last night without Vajramati. I think it does a sangha good to have the order member go away, I missed Vajramati and his leadership. It's not easy coming up with programming. I'm not sure how he does all the stuff he does, except that I know dharma activity can be addictive.

Andrew lead the meditation and chanting. He's a natural leader. In the second half I talked a little about the subtle hindrances, because I was excited to learn about them. But then we had a meditation reporting in, which was very good for me. Alyssa, Andrew and Jason suggested I was being hard on myself. A month of spotty meditation because of the birth of my bambino and trying to get it back, there's going to be some fall off in meditation. That I meditate every day for 40 minutes impressed them. So less judgment, that's the idea.

It was good to hear about Alyssa, Andrew and Jason's lives.

I stayed in position today, but wiggled and was distracted. Maybe I'll meditate again, I've got some time this afternoon.

I haven't been reading any dharma, which feels weird, and I read some Thich Nhat Hanh (The Heart of Buddha's Teaching) and enjoying it. I was reading Subuti's Buddhism For Today, and it was review, though I did get some things out of it. But it's nice to put it down.

9. Far enemy of Sympathetic Joy

It's been a difficult weekend, somehow. The book on Optimism is good. I've got to get used to this bench and make it work. I've laid off the dharma books for the first time in a while. I think I've ODed on them. I need to study for my future profession.

Trebor is back from Montana and had a great retreat. I think sympathic joy is in order, but I'm conscious of jealousy. I wish I could have gone, it seemed like it would be wonderful. I am truly glad Trebor had a productive retreat.