I Want To Die. How Can I Die?

Just read in Elephant Journal that the best way to increase traffic to a blog is to type in "I want to die". Also, "How can I die?" Here's the link.

Buddhism has infused my life with meaning, helps me cope with adversity and makes me want to help others on their journey, to share the Dharma, the teachings that lead to enlightenment.

Buddhism has some ideas about suffering, but if your spirituality is more appealing, go with that. I think any kind of spirituality can help. It's like when the Dali Lama was asked about Tiger Woods and his sex addiction. First they had to explain to him who Tiger Woods was. Then he said, "I think every religion is against that." Outside of well known illness, in their end stages, I think suicide ideas are a cry for help. It has to be taken seriously.

As a psychotherapist I've had to deal with suicidal ideas. Send them to the hospital and then the hospital bounces them because they deny it because they want to go home. You also need a plan and intent to carry out the plan, so just thinking about it is a sign of depression, but it usually means you're suffering. Just the idea doesn't mean you're going to follow through. Don't follow through.

And remember, when we suffer it seems like it's lasting forever, but life changes, so hang in there. Feelings don't equal truth, in this case. Use adversity as a wake up call and examine your life to operationalize your unhappiness, and then develop a plan to counteract the problems. It's never as bad as you think. Google something else, like suicide hotline.

Retreat

I was on the 2011 ordination retreat for men into the Triratna Buddhist Order. I've been on quite a few of these retreats, only missing them when my kids were wee, and they get harder and harder. It's partially harder because I understand more and more what it's all about and the beginners luck has worn off.

Beginners luck is when you get into deep meditations because you've not meditated before and you punch through some levels quite easily. But as you meditate for years and years, punching through a level gets harder and harder, sometimes.

Another reason the retreat was hard, was because my meditation practice, while improving and coming back, hasn't been consistant, and like being in shape, if you're out of shape, there's only so far you can go training intensively. Of course it's good, but there's a difference intensifying when you're got a kind of fitness.

So one upshot of my retreat experience is that I've got a lot of work to do.

Of course the new people see with fresh eyes how wonderful it is to have time off to devote to meditation, friendship, dharma study, vegetarianism and walking in nature.

My retreat was all men, and it's a rare thing for me to be with just men. I like that. I love women, I've gone on many mixed retreats, I've done mixed study and all that. I think it's cool to be with just men.

The retreat was on Subhuti's paper based on conversations with Sangharakshita about imagination in the spiritual life.

I know it's kind of spiritual materialism to enjoy collecting new meditation practices, but I do like to learn new practices. We learned the practice where you call to mind the qualities and being of the historical Buddha Gotama.

I alternate between metta and mindfulness of breathing, and just sitting. Sometimes I extend that, or throw in a 6 element or prostration practice.

Btw, I finally heard an explanation of why people don't like the word "spiritual". I've heard many people say they don't like the word, but I never heard anyone say why. In Paramananda's lovely book, The Body, he says that spirituality has an implication of raising above, which can lead to getting away from the body and the muck the lotus needs to grow in. He prefers soulful. Works for me. Still, I use the word in contrast to materialistic or worldly. Even though I want to stay in the body, and I have to be in the muck, still, I do like going beyond somehow. Beyond and grounded.

One of my friends said I got my smile back.

I really appreciated the people who got ordained recently joining the retreat. I worked on my doubt with them--I have subtle and vague doubts that need to be rooted out. Doubt is fine, but it can undermine your practice if you don't examine it, process it.

Anywho, I got a lot from the retreat, and feel that it's a really wonderful thing for everyone. I wish I could do a week every two months, but my life doesn't support that idea, so I might as well either work towards it, or banish it from my mind.

In the safe setting you can talk about your meditation experience, and hear others. That's wonderful.

Lotus Photograph

IMG_1279, a photo by sheyco on Flickr.

sacrifice

I was listening to a talk that played an Aimee Mann song in it, and I liked it so I was listening to some of her stuff and then I went on Wikipedia to look at her entry, and I came up with this little tidbit: "Mann played the role of a German nihilist who sacrificed her green nail polished little right toe in the movie The Big Lebowski." Wow.

December - Nagaloka's Walking Buddha

December - Nagaloka's Walking Buddha, a photo by Triratna Photos on Flickr.

January - Taraloka Prajnaparamita

January - Taraloka Prajnaparamita, a photo by Triratna Photos on Flickr.

March - Buddha at Shantikula, Johannesburg

March - Buddha at Shantikula, Johannesburg, a photo by Triratna Photos on Flickr.

October - Prajnaparamita Sanctuary in Devon

October - Prajnaparamita Sanctuary in Devon, a photo by Triratna Photos on Flickr.

July - Buddhafield's giant 1000-Armed Avalokitesvara

July - Buddhafield's giant 1000-Armed Avalokitesvara, a photo by Triratna Photos on Flickr.

February - Valencia's new Buddha rupa

February - Valencia's new Buddha rupa, a photo by Triratna Photos on Flickr.

test

this is a test to see if I can finally post--don't know why it's not working

from the Santa Fe International Art Market

From Going For Refuge

shorts?

I was hoping to connect with the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe but I only brought shorts because American Airlines charges $25 for a bag to check in and I had tight space in my backpack. A pair of jeans would take up a lot of room, and I don't expect to wear them. Upaya's website says, "Please do not wear shorts of sleeveless tops." I find myself asking, "what does that have to do with meditation?" And they want you to wear dark colors. I'm so curious what the thinking is behind this rule, and how these traditions cropped up. If anyone knows who reads this, please comment.

Pema quote

"The Buddha taught that flexibility and openness bring strength and that running from groundlessness weakens us and brings pain. But do we understand that becoming familiar with the running away is the key? Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well.

Rather than going after those walls and barriers with a sledgehammer, we pay attention to them. With gentleness and honesty, we move closer to those walls. We touch them and smell them and get to know them well. We begin a process of acknowledging our aversions and our cravings. We become familiar with the strategies and beliefs we use to build the walls: What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me? We start to get curious about what's going on. Without calling what we see right or wrong, we simply look as objectively as we can. We can observe ourselves with humor, not getting overly serious, moralistic or uptight about this investigation. Year after year, we train in remaining open and receptive to whatever arises. Slowly, very slowly, the cracks in the wall seem to widen and, as if by magic, bodhichitta is able to flow freely." (From the book "The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times" by Pema Chödrön

train your brain

In a way, it's thrilling to see that in Train Your Brain to Get Happy: The Simple Program That Primes Your Grey Cells for Joy, Optimism, and Serenity that in chapter 5 Meditation is seen as one of the key ways.

Now I'm not sure if happiness is the goal, I mean, you can get happier with more mindfulness, but you can also be more aware of other's suffering and it's hard to keep the deep shadow of that off your happiness. I do think life is more meaningful, more vivid, clear and full.

I think there's been a revolution in embracing secular mindfulness by the mental health community, from Marsha Linehan, and on and on. And that's really cool. I certainly use it in my job.

But for my money, going into the BuddhaDharma adds so much more to mindfulness. I feel the same way about Mindfulness For Dummies (Book + CD). It's a wonderful thing if you've used mindfulness. But that's getting off at the first stop of Buddhism, why not go along for the whole ride.

That's what I want personally, but of course I believe in pluralism and the individual respect that everyone is responsible for their own spiritual path.

4 sights

I can trace my conditions of meditation and learning about the BuddhaDharma back to the Buddha.

I've been thinking about the 4 sights. The Buddha may or may not have lead a sort of hedonistic lifestyle, but the legend is that his father gave him different pools for different colored lotus flowers, and different "palaces", one that had female musicians. I bet it was fun. But he saw an old person and a sick person and a dead person and a renunciant, a person who had gone forth. Now most people see these things all the time. But Siddhartha Gotama went a bit further, followed his thoughts, developed them. How can I get beyond these problems, transcend them? Can you really transcend them? I think the Buddha did. I think the Buddha saw deeply and pursued his mission. He was given the keys to the ashram twice when he surpassed the teachers of the time, and he passed. Na, there's something more.

The Buddha had some kind of follow through, he was driven in a certain kind of way. You got to admire that. You know, maybe Jesus or Mohammad are your guys, but still, you got to admire the Buddha. (I admire the other guys.)

There are lots of spiritual idols, heroes.

I think about Sangharakshita going forth. He gave up everything, and went off into India. He wanted to go to Sri Lanka but since he'd given up his passport, he couldn't. I wonder if the Triratna community would have been more Theravadan if that had happened. I'm sure he could have gotten a passport if he wanted to.

The Chutzpah of starting a new Buddhist order.

For manjuvajra to come to Boston and then to found Ayraloka. For him to call upon his friends to come and help him.

For someone to come to NYC and try to start up a Buddhist community, like Vajramati did and does. To devote yourself to the good of the Dharma. To teach so many people meditation.

Then I was open to it. My friend signed me up for the class! I'd watched my stepfather meditate twice a day for many years. I was relatively open and free to appreciate it.

Bhante Quote

"To begin with, when we come - I might even say staggering along - to out first meditation class, maybe from the office, maybe from home or wheresoever, we don't have any real individuality. We are usually just a bundle of conflicting desires, even conflicting selves, loosely tied together with the thread of a name and an address! Desires and selves, both conscious and unconscious, so what does mindfulness do? Even the very limited mindfulness that we practice when we practice Mindfulness of Breathing, it helps bring them together to bind them together; it at least tightens the string a little bit, so that they aren't so loose in the middle; it makes more of a definite bundle of these different cravings and selves, more of a recognizable identifiable bundle. And if we practice it a bit more, carry it a bit further, the practice of mindfulness helps to create real unity and real harmony between the different aspects, as they have now become, of our self. In other words, it is through mindfulness that we begin to develop, begin to create, true individuality."

(from A System of Meditation)

p. 79 drawing by Saddharaja

From Going For Refuge

This Being, That Becomes: The Buddha's Teaching on Conditionality (Buddhist Wisdom in Practice)

Quote

"we live at the quivering center of a web of conditions so complex that while we can believe that it is all dependently arisen, exactly how or why any particular thought or feeling arises is mostly beyond our capacity to understand." p19 This Being, That Becomes by Dhivan Thomas Jones

Udemy

I've been toying with creating a course on Udemy, but of course I'm too busy with children, work and my own personal life. But this might be a place I could go to teach some Buddhism, which is really a presumptuous thing to do, but I really think teaching is the best way to learn. I might have to do it if someone else doesn't step up and present an introduction to Buddhism class.

There's not much Buddhism at Udemy, but there is a world literature class, and there's a lecture on Han Shan by Andrew Neuendorf. The talk is 20 minutes. Andrew Neuendorf's qualification is that he has a MFA in Creative Writing. Seems he's been a teacher in college for 11 years. There's also a lecture on Wang Wei, which I haven't listened to.