Friday, September 03, 2010

going on retreat

I love retreats. I go deeper into my practice and become more healthy in so many ways. In anticipation of the retreat, I begin to talk to my friends in my head, and report in on the state of my practice. On retreat once someone said, "turns out we have our relationships often more than we're actually with people," quoting Proust. I look forward to my friends, not having responsibilities beyond being mindful, the healthy food, being more in nature away from the city.

I look forward to, and am also scared of all the meditation, because I can have some freaky experiences. I always cry. At some point on the retreat I get a kind of exhausted insomnia. The puja wakes me up and when we do it last thing I have a hard time sleeping. I'm afraid of my retreat exuberance, where I make all these unrealistic plans, shows my conflicts and lack of integration. I'm afraid of how I feel when I return to regular life and feel the mindfulness wearing off, and I cling to it.

Last year I wanted to go early I got so anxious, but I stuck it out, only leaving a little early. I worry about my family and last year I came home to find out there was a bedbugs crisis. There is a kind of feeling like I don't deserve this. My family will be fine, but I feel guilty for carving out what I know is essential to me. I think in part the guilt is a manifestation of my hesitancy and resistance.

I've started checking out at work. The trick is to stay present and mindful, and I'm all anticipation.

I want to ramp up my meditation practice, but I have to admit that I've been blown away by life at times, and my meditation practice falters, isn't daily.

I'm going on retreat! I am incredibly lucky.

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