Monday, August 13, 2018

Anamist, pagan, Taoist, humanist, Buddhist

I'm an animist, pagan, Taoist, humanist, Buddhist with American Christian and Jewish cultural roots, a Northern European mutt from my ancestors. I'm a straight edge vegan in spirit and an omnivore historically with serious periods of vegetarianism. I'm so curious about the ancient ones and keep up with the new.

My partner said the exact same thing I'm always saying to her (in her personality), "there are too many unknowns to plan."

She is a mastermind, plans, plans, plans compulsively, plans successfully. She rules where ever she is, or spins in frustration because she doesn't. She doesn't plot to take over, she doesn't want that stress. She wants a more simple life despite her urge to take over and do things right with foresight.

Then I thought her personality is not ideologically committed if she can say that.

Then I wondered if I was ideological about my personality. My first thought was Taoism, which really tries to put words to my feelings that come out in Murphy's Law and other ways, about the nature of things.

We're all connected by systems and the small things we do matter. In the cosmological sense, we are pretty insignificant. And yet we are connected, and that makes being vegan meaningful.

My first ex-wife said that the way way I liked jazz was unusual. I like the idea of it, improvisation, the African-American history, the musicianship. Every performer creates a unique composition every time. I guess she wanted me to love an artist, or a kind of jazz. I sometimes find jazz hard to listen to and even unpleasant. I think of Fred Armisen's comedy for drummers where he plays jazz and raises his hand when he's bored, pretty quickly. Sometimes the solos can be difficult to follow. Sonny Rollins' solos can go on for a long time when you tune out a little.

As I age, I see the impermanence to the grand schemes of myself and others, I see the unsatisfactoriness of pleasure seeking, how desperate we are for certain kinds of pleasures, at times, how sort of desperate and manic the endeavor is. I see how people change with different circumstances, and while self esteem is important, self development and integrity, that ultimately we're all beholden to circumstances. There are other systems, like genetics, or personality, that seem to hold sway in the personal experience.

I like celebrating equinox, full moons and the cycles of earth. I imagine trees have personalities and rich back stories. I imagine sprites, and naiads in the water, a rich unseen life. Not because I don't fully understand science and conventional wisdom, but because it feels more rich and alive. I like the old rituals and old cultures that spring up to cope with the world before technology took over. Father sun is the most natural phrase, even though I don't have the direct teachings of the Anasazi.

I love pictures of wild pagan festivals. I love Where The Wild Things Are.

I love the idea of hozho.

I like Kintsugi.

I can go on and on and I will in this blog.

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