Friday, January 20, 2012


We have a fantasy mind, that is important, but sometimes I don't know the difference between fantasy and reality.  We have to project our wishes onto the world, we couldn't even relate to each other if we didn't do that a little.  Manners and politeness is important.

I have a fantasy about sangha.  My hope is that everyone will be clean and pure and insightful, positive and helpful.  Sometimes that just isn't true.  We get disappointed, disillusioned.  Now if you like reality, then disillusionment is important.  I'm aware that I can eclipse the reality principle with the pleasure principle.  I want to see a certain reality and that helps prop up my fragile psyche.

Maybe sangha is forgetting offenses, overlooking unkindness or addressing it appropriately.  Maybe we can train each other to fulfill our relational requirements or we can just let go of our unrealistic expectations.  Until you are enlightened, you are crazy, like a drunkard, reactively careening from craving to ignorance to hatred.

Why wouldn't sangha be messy, difficult, challenging?  Disillusionment means getting a closer connection to reality, and while it might be painful, it's a good pain, a growing pain.

So I tell myself, dream away, they are important, but also understand what a dream really is.  Dreams are potential guiding wishes that you can work towards, point out our values and give us hope, not disconnections from reality to prop up a fragile ego.

Even though a retreat is more supportive conditions for going deeper, that doesn't mean there won't be problems and snafu.  Sometimes finding my barriers to equanimity is as important, part of the process of cultivating equanimity.  I do feel the effects of the Brahma Viharas over a 3 day weekend retreat.  

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