spiritual death

Musings:

I've listened a few times to this talk.  And I watched the last Harry Potter the other day, where (spoiler alert) he has to die to be reborn.  And I think about the 6 Element practice, and my intense meditative experiences.  We have to die to be reborn.  I think about my recent revelation that you don't necessarily need a hand-off to a sadhana.  I was thinking about the fear of growing, how it's scary to be vulnerable.  I was thinking about my own security operations that take me away from unpleasant emotions--Netflix, video games, ETOH, cannabis.  Addiction is just another aspect of the flight, as my wonderful Anandi points out.  The fight to see reality as it really is, is a fight for everyone, not just people with schizophrenia. Procrastination, denial, lack of insight, lack of depth.  "looking for water from a deeper well," is the line from a song, I think Emmylou Harris did a cover of the original.  This relentless pushing to deepen and self discovery can be a bit annoying to others.  I put the petal to the metal.  Maybe as a friend suggested, I need patience, to let it unfold.  And yet, I want to die, so I can be reborn.