Here's my response to someone who was confused about the language of attachment:
So in modern psychology attachment is very important and studied quite a lot. Attachment is a kind of psychological necessity. You can either be securely or insecurely attached, then variations off that.
What Buddhists mean is a kind of holding lightly to things, and what it's like to make the container of consciousness bigger through meditation and insight--the things inside the container of your mind have less urgency when there is more space in the container. The hope is to be creative instead of reactive. I never really heard the language of attachment in the Triratna Buddhist Community, that wasn't seen as helpful, and led to confusions like yours.
Loving your family is good. Being attached to them is good. In a prostration practice, I imagine all my fathers over my right shoulder, I imagine all the mothers, grandmothers, etc over my left shoulder. My whole family is behind me when I'm doing this.
There are lots of meditative states that you have to grow into, and it doesn't make any sense to pretend you have that state when you don't. A guy stands and announces to the group, "I have no self." Someone kicks him in the shins and he yells. There you are. Start where you are.
Even though there are confusing ideas to a modern person, higher meditative states and insight are talked about. For example, it's probably better to want chastity through growth, than to just force yourself into it because you imagine it's spiritual. The oath has to already be committed before it's even made, in a sense. There will be areas where you push yourself, but again there are two parables. One is lute strings. Tuning them hard or slack results in a poor instrument. Tuning them just right is a skill. So too with your effort. If you try too hard in a bizarre way, things won't go well. If you don't try hard in some place, it won't work. The other parable is the raft. You cross a river, but leave the raft at the side of the river. You don't carry it around the rest of you life because it got you across that river. So maybe you came to Buddhism with a certain kind of expectation. Maybe after a while practicing in a community expectations change, but they are no less interesting.
Buddhism isn't about making you believe anything (though some will try). It's about being mindful and kind when you do things. Turns out ethics are important to yourself and others. Hanging out with the spiritual community is important, so having a good family will help with that. Treating your family well is important. Best wishes.
Someone came asking for help not hating themselves:
So when people come here with harsh self judgement. I like to point out that conclusions about the self are not definitive. You may feel bad about yourself, but that's not necessarily true and it won't always be your assessment of yourself.
Second, there is a kind of assumption aspect to ideas about the self. It turns out assuming you're good enough, but you still have to watch things, is the best assumption you can make. Just assume you have a right to exist, and it is worthwhile that you are alive. Life can often be a self fulfilling prophecy. Assume you are good enough and worthwhile. Mistakes in the past can be learned from, but otherwise they cannot be changed. Move forward in a positive way. Do the next good thing.
There is a lot of overlap with the spiritual journey of Buddhism and learning about your mind. Also, psychotherapy can help some who are open to it, and friendships can be important.
What you can learn from Buddhism is up to you. There are teachings that stem from enlightened experience, and the community that supports people in their spiritual quests. The idea of "inner peace" is nice. I guess what it captures is that some people use their spiritual life to support a kind of transcendent resilience and they do have a gladdening in the spiritual life.
I have a picture. It shows a face with a boot smashing it. The second picture has the boot smooshing the face in the guys arm and he's doing it to himself, and now he's smiling. The hope is to understand how you "stick the second arrow in." In life there will be arrow wounds. Put often in life we stick a second arrow in, in our reaction to that first arrow. You know, when you don't handle something that has happened well because you are somehow resisting something that has already happened. The hope of mindfulness is that you can recognize this situation (and others) where you are harming yourself and that insight can help you do it less.
Here is what I wrote for someone asking about suicide:
I'm no Pali scholar but I remember a story about the Buddha telling some monks to meditate on death and they committed suicide. He considered this a mistake. The point of contemplating death is to make the most of this short life and to avoid superficial things. I've meditated in front of those dead rubberized Chinese guys in the body exhibits as part of a Tricycle event, with talk and community. You're not supposed to do that kind of thing too often. My teacher writes about his efforts to meditate at a charnel grounds, and that it's a rare thing to do, something you have to build up to and have supports.
There is no thing like in Christianity where they deny their loved ones burial in the church cemetery because of the prohibition.
The compassion your received for your loss was probably the best example of what to do. Your reaching out for support shows your smarts.
It behooves all of us to think of the consequences of our actions on others, and to cause others suffering is not seen as skillful and will hurt you. Of course the person is gone in all the forms we know anything about, so their suffering is gone. There is no prohibition against suicide at the end of life if it's done in a loving and kind manner, so there is no conflict with the end of life issues some Christians have. Your case seems different.
Depression that leads to suicide is something to be avoided. In America we are terrible at catching others going off the rails. There is no blame for you, I'm not saying you should have done something. Our individualistic ways lead people to isolation and disconnection where anything can happen. I'm probably some pie eyed idealist, but I imagine a more connected society, more supportive, more community. I work my best towards that. I'm not aware of this modern sense of the meaning of suicide being captured in the cannon.
My default is to meditate and watch my mind, whatever comes up. And to turn my suffering into compassion for others that leads to support and other actions.
Someone asked about the Buddha leaving his family. Most people said he wasn't enlightened yet, so that accounts for it. But this is my answer:
When I had a similar feeling, others responded that in those times the whole community raised children, and the subtraction one parents was less noticeable. A story was told where someone moved from India to England, and the child was wondering why these two people were just there, bossing them around. Some communities are so enmeshed that kids might not even know who their parents are. Another Buddhist told me how he grew up with his grandmother in a house across the street from his parents. The modern nuclear family isn't what it was like in ancient India. Also I'm pretty sure the intensive labor of child raising of parents also wasn't. And when he was 16 the Buddha brought Rahula into the sangha and taught him what he knew. So that kind of mitigates the abandonment. But it used to bother me to. But it does also point out that children do get in the way of meditating. I don't mind so much 17 years into my conversion to Buddhism, but getting up before the children to meditate has been a lifelong challenge.
This is my advice to someone's struggling with jealousy:
I always distinguish jealousy from envy in that jealousy is about something you could do. Someone went to France and you wish you could go to. Perhaps you could save and go. Envy is about something you can't have. I'm never going to give birth because I'm biologically male. Thus I have womb envy.
Sort the two out, figure out what you want in life, accept the opportunity cost--you can't do some things if you do some things. Paralysis isn't useful, that has its own opportunity cost.
Life is complicated, and we simplify it by following our emotions, we tune into what our gut tells us. Read your emotions and plan accordingly.
One place that isn't materialistic, though it could be materialist, is a spiritual community. Maybe you should look towards your spiritual life and see if there is anything you could pursue there.
It turns out relationships and altruism are the way to go, so doing things for others is a powerful antidote to want want wanting all the time.
Accept it that we live in a materialist society, get get get, status, appearances... If you don't watch TV and don't do social media, you won't have your wanting stove stoked, and it can die down a little.
Women are told they can give up on life and set up a life with someone else. That puts the power into another person's hands. Charting your own course will ultimately make you more happy. Develop a career and become financially independent. That will make you happier.
People can seem happy, but you know, the wheel of fortune turns and things get worse. Sudden illness happens all the time and accidents. Live life to the fullest now and plan for your future. Best of both worlds.
Someone posted the following texts:
AN:3.113(1) Bound for the Plane of Misery.
“Bhikkhus, there are three who, if they do not abandon this fault of theirs, are bound for the plane of misery, bound for hell. Which three? (1) One who, though not celibate, claims to be celibate; (2) one who slanders a pure celibate leading a pure celibate life with a groundless charge of non-celibacy; and (3) one who holds such a doctrine and view as this: ‘There is no fault in sensual pleasures , and then falls into indulgence in sensual pleasures.
These are the three who, if they do not abandon this fault of theirs, are bound for the plane of misery, bound for hell."
I wrote: A lot of mental states of enlightenment can't be forced, and shouldn't be aped when we are not really that spiritually mature. I'm not into the monastic/lay split, but I do think this is one thing the monastics have on the lay. There are supports to live a certain lifestyle that makes some things more easy, and you can progress that way.
I think art can be spiritual and the prohibition against some things can be a bit much. The point is to evolve past the lower self. It's not clear how to just evolve into the higher self. Oh wait, yea, you can evolve through the suggestions. For me the "don't do that, do this," doesn't work, I don't like being told what to do, though in a way that is what Buddhism is all about. You can even codify behavior into a tea ritual, and that works for some people. You can multiply that throughout your life to everything you do. I like to see the potential of the ideal and hope for more, but I need the tire to hit the road.
On the one hand you don't want to be too lenient, "like whatever man". On the other hand you don't want to become like a rapey repressed Christian hypocrite. Tune those lute strings just right.
There was a guy who started hating his child's teacher for killing ants. Here is my response:
I'm not the kind of guy who's going to walk out into the mosquitos and imagine I'm a bodhisattva for feeding them with my blood. I know there are people who think that way. I'm just going to kill bugs that annoy me. I'm not going to stop driving to avoid killing bugs on my windshield. I'm not going to stop using fly swatters.
A reverence for all life is needed, I'll give you that, but we're so far from that. I'm not going to turn up my reverence because it's so skewed in our world.
I don't eat animals, I don't drink cows milk, don't eat hens eggs, steal bee honey. I don't get an award for that, I'm not saying I can kill otherwise. But I'm not going to put pressure on myself to not kill bugs yet. I'm just not there. I'd say 99.99% people aren't either. So you're not going to respect anyone from that stance. Maybe just be happy you don't feel bad doing it and let others go their own way. I think not killing bugs is going to be one of the last few things to go on the road to enlightenment and I'm not there.
Here is what I said to someone who was away at school and homesick:
Doing the hard things as an adult. You will reap the rewards of your sacrifices. Life is filled with hard choices. You chose to develop a career. There are always opportunity costs to every decision. None of that hard boiled wisdom helps you cope with the loss of proximity of your family and boyfriend, your support network. You are seeking support which is smart. Good job. You will develop more support as you go along, and you can be the change you seek--you can support others through your challenges, because the pain has possibly opened up a route to empathy. Best wishes.
So in modern psychology attachment is very important and studied quite a lot. Attachment is a kind of psychological necessity. You can either be securely or insecurely attached, then variations off that.
What Buddhists mean is a kind of holding lightly to things, and what it's like to make the container of consciousness bigger through meditation and insight--the things inside the container of your mind have less urgency when there is more space in the container. The hope is to be creative instead of reactive. I never really heard the language of attachment in the Triratna Buddhist Community, that wasn't seen as helpful, and led to confusions like yours.
Loving your family is good. Being attached to them is good. In a prostration practice, I imagine all my fathers over my right shoulder, I imagine all the mothers, grandmothers, etc over my left shoulder. My whole family is behind me when I'm doing this.
There are lots of meditative states that you have to grow into, and it doesn't make any sense to pretend you have that state when you don't. A guy stands and announces to the group, "I have no self." Someone kicks him in the shins and he yells. There you are. Start where you are.
Even though there are confusing ideas to a modern person, higher meditative states and insight are talked about. For example, it's probably better to want chastity through growth, than to just force yourself into it because you imagine it's spiritual. The oath has to already be committed before it's even made, in a sense. There will be areas where you push yourself, but again there are two parables. One is lute strings. Tuning them hard or slack results in a poor instrument. Tuning them just right is a skill. So too with your effort. If you try too hard in a bizarre way, things won't go well. If you don't try hard in some place, it won't work. The other parable is the raft. You cross a river, but leave the raft at the side of the river. You don't carry it around the rest of you life because it got you across that river. So maybe you came to Buddhism with a certain kind of expectation. Maybe after a while practicing in a community expectations change, but they are no less interesting.
Buddhism isn't about making you believe anything (though some will try). It's about being mindful and kind when you do things. Turns out ethics are important to yourself and others. Hanging out with the spiritual community is important, so having a good family will help with that. Treating your family well is important. Best wishes.
Someone came asking for help not hating themselves:
So when people come here with harsh self judgement. I like to point out that conclusions about the self are not definitive. You may feel bad about yourself, but that's not necessarily true and it won't always be your assessment of yourself.
Second, there is a kind of assumption aspect to ideas about the self. It turns out assuming you're good enough, but you still have to watch things, is the best assumption you can make. Just assume you have a right to exist, and it is worthwhile that you are alive. Life can often be a self fulfilling prophecy. Assume you are good enough and worthwhile. Mistakes in the past can be learned from, but otherwise they cannot be changed. Move forward in a positive way. Do the next good thing.
There is a lot of overlap with the spiritual journey of Buddhism and learning about your mind. Also, psychotherapy can help some who are open to it, and friendships can be important.
What you can learn from Buddhism is up to you. There are teachings that stem from enlightened experience, and the community that supports people in their spiritual quests. The idea of "inner peace" is nice. I guess what it captures is that some people use their spiritual life to support a kind of transcendent resilience and they do have a gladdening in the spiritual life.
I have a picture. It shows a face with a boot smashing it. The second picture has the boot smooshing the face in the guys arm and he's doing it to himself, and now he's smiling. The hope is to understand how you "stick the second arrow in." In life there will be arrow wounds. Put often in life we stick a second arrow in, in our reaction to that first arrow. You know, when you don't handle something that has happened well because you are somehow resisting something that has already happened. The hope of mindfulness is that you can recognize this situation (and others) where you are harming yourself and that insight can help you do it less.
Here is what I wrote for someone asking about suicide:
I'm no Pali scholar but I remember a story about the Buddha telling some monks to meditate on death and they committed suicide. He considered this a mistake. The point of contemplating death is to make the most of this short life and to avoid superficial things. I've meditated in front of those dead rubberized Chinese guys in the body exhibits as part of a Tricycle event, with talk and community. You're not supposed to do that kind of thing too often. My teacher writes about his efforts to meditate at a charnel grounds, and that it's a rare thing to do, something you have to build up to and have supports.
There is no thing like in Christianity where they deny their loved ones burial in the church cemetery because of the prohibition.
The compassion your received for your loss was probably the best example of what to do. Your reaching out for support shows your smarts.
It behooves all of us to think of the consequences of our actions on others, and to cause others suffering is not seen as skillful and will hurt you. Of course the person is gone in all the forms we know anything about, so their suffering is gone. There is no prohibition against suicide at the end of life if it's done in a loving and kind manner, so there is no conflict with the end of life issues some Christians have. Your case seems different.
Depression that leads to suicide is something to be avoided. In America we are terrible at catching others going off the rails. There is no blame for you, I'm not saying you should have done something. Our individualistic ways lead people to isolation and disconnection where anything can happen. I'm probably some pie eyed idealist, but I imagine a more connected society, more supportive, more community. I work my best towards that. I'm not aware of this modern sense of the meaning of suicide being captured in the cannon.
My default is to meditate and watch my mind, whatever comes up. And to turn my suffering into compassion for others that leads to support and other actions.
Someone asked about the Buddha leaving his family. Most people said he wasn't enlightened yet, so that accounts for it. But this is my answer:
When I had a similar feeling, others responded that in those times the whole community raised children, and the subtraction one parents was less noticeable. A story was told where someone moved from India to England, and the child was wondering why these two people were just there, bossing them around. Some communities are so enmeshed that kids might not even know who their parents are. Another Buddhist told me how he grew up with his grandmother in a house across the street from his parents. The modern nuclear family isn't what it was like in ancient India. Also I'm pretty sure the intensive labor of child raising of parents also wasn't. And when he was 16 the Buddha brought Rahula into the sangha and taught him what he knew. So that kind of mitigates the abandonment. But it used to bother me to. But it does also point out that children do get in the way of meditating. I don't mind so much 17 years into my conversion to Buddhism, but getting up before the children to meditate has been a lifelong challenge.
This is my advice to someone's struggling with jealousy:
I always distinguish jealousy from envy in that jealousy is about something you could do. Someone went to France and you wish you could go to. Perhaps you could save and go. Envy is about something you can't have. I'm never going to give birth because I'm biologically male. Thus I have womb envy.
Sort the two out, figure out what you want in life, accept the opportunity cost--you can't do some things if you do some things. Paralysis isn't useful, that has its own opportunity cost.
Life is complicated, and we simplify it by following our emotions, we tune into what our gut tells us. Read your emotions and plan accordingly.
One place that isn't materialistic, though it could be materialist, is a spiritual community. Maybe you should look towards your spiritual life and see if there is anything you could pursue there.
It turns out relationships and altruism are the way to go, so doing things for others is a powerful antidote to want want wanting all the time.
Accept it that we live in a materialist society, get get get, status, appearances... If you don't watch TV and don't do social media, you won't have your wanting stove stoked, and it can die down a little.
Women are told they can give up on life and set up a life with someone else. That puts the power into another person's hands. Charting your own course will ultimately make you more happy. Develop a career and become financially independent. That will make you happier.
People can seem happy, but you know, the wheel of fortune turns and things get worse. Sudden illness happens all the time and accidents. Live life to the fullest now and plan for your future. Best of both worlds.
Someone posted the following texts:
AN:3.113(1) Bound for the Plane of Misery.
“Bhikkhus, there are three who, if they do not abandon this fault of theirs, are bound for the plane of misery, bound for hell. Which three? (1) One who, though not celibate, claims to be celibate; (2) one who slanders a pure celibate leading a pure celibate life with a groundless charge of non-celibacy; and (3) one who holds such a doctrine and view as this: ‘There is no fault in sensual pleasures , and then falls into indulgence in sensual pleasures.
These are the three who, if they do not abandon this fault of theirs, are bound for the plane of misery, bound for hell."
I wrote: A lot of mental states of enlightenment can't be forced, and shouldn't be aped when we are not really that spiritually mature. I'm not into the monastic/lay split, but I do think this is one thing the monastics have on the lay. There are supports to live a certain lifestyle that makes some things more easy, and you can progress that way.
I think art can be spiritual and the prohibition against some things can be a bit much. The point is to evolve past the lower self. It's not clear how to just evolve into the higher self. Oh wait, yea, you can evolve through the suggestions. For me the "don't do that, do this," doesn't work, I don't like being told what to do, though in a way that is what Buddhism is all about. You can even codify behavior into a tea ritual, and that works for some people. You can multiply that throughout your life to everything you do. I like to see the potential of the ideal and hope for more, but I need the tire to hit the road.
On the one hand you don't want to be too lenient, "like whatever man". On the other hand you don't want to become like a rapey repressed Christian hypocrite. Tune those lute strings just right.
There was a guy who started hating his child's teacher for killing ants. Here is my response:
I'm not the kind of guy who's going to walk out into the mosquitos and imagine I'm a bodhisattva for feeding them with my blood. I know there are people who think that way. I'm just going to kill bugs that annoy me. I'm not going to stop driving to avoid killing bugs on my windshield. I'm not going to stop using fly swatters.
A reverence for all life is needed, I'll give you that, but we're so far from that. I'm not going to turn up my reverence because it's so skewed in our world.
I don't eat animals, I don't drink cows milk, don't eat hens eggs, steal bee honey. I don't get an award for that, I'm not saying I can kill otherwise. But I'm not going to put pressure on myself to not kill bugs yet. I'm just not there. I'd say 99.99% people aren't either. So you're not going to respect anyone from that stance. Maybe just be happy you don't feel bad doing it and let others go their own way. I think not killing bugs is going to be one of the last few things to go on the road to enlightenment and I'm not there.
Here is what I said to someone who was away at school and homesick:
Doing the hard things as an adult. You will reap the rewards of your sacrifices. Life is filled with hard choices. You chose to develop a career. There are always opportunity costs to every decision. None of that hard boiled wisdom helps you cope with the loss of proximity of your family and boyfriend, your support network. You are seeking support which is smart. Good job. You will develop more support as you go along, and you can be the change you seek--you can support others through your challenges, because the pain has possibly opened up a route to empathy. Best wishes.
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