Apt, useful to me, at this moment, Dharma

Subhuti, in a recent essay, writes (edited with American English spellings):

"I suspect that, too often, we tend to think of sraddha only in its affective aspect, and to have an unrealistic idea of how strong that should be. We look for a sort of exhilarating fizz of inspiration, filling our consciousness. But that is not its only or even its most characteristic mode. Faith is not always an ‘obvious’ experience. It can be present as something embedded in our assumptions and behavior, something that is too close to be seen clearly. Sometimes, in moods of critical self examination, we ask ourselves, ‘What do I really want? What am I really interested in? What really inspires me?’  It may appear to us at such moments that the answer is not the Three Jewels. And this can easily make us disheartened, especially if we have been trying to practice the Dharma for a long time. But when this happens, instead of getting despondent, we could try saying to ourselves, ‘Yet, the Dharma does seem true and profound to me. Not only that, but I am still here, still practicing after (however many) years. And if I am here, that can only be because in some sense I want to be here. There must surely be some faith in that.’  In other words, we can try to recognize the strength of the cognitive and volitional aspects of our sraddha, instead of dwelling too much on the apparent weakness of the affective aspect."

When I look at the GFR retreat pictures, the pictures of people on the ordination retreat, over the years, I see a third of the people have been ordained, a third have dropped out, and a third have disappeared and not formally dropped out (maybe).  I'm the last man standing, except a few new guys.  I've been in this process almost 9 years.

Now you can say that it's harder in North America, away from the bosom of the order.  You can say it's harder for someone with a family.  

One talk on FBA, the speaker pointed out that people who immerse themselves in the 3 C's still get ordained pretty quickly; Community, Co-ops and Centers--you live in a single sex Buddhist community, you work in a right livelihood business, and you help out at the local center.  In this way it's like being on retreat, and yet living a worldly existence.  Of course, here in NYC, I would have to start a community, a co-op and have more free time to help out at the center.

Anyway, I think I can be proud I'm "still there," as Subhuti says.  That shows some sraddha.

Remorse and Confession in the Spiritual Community

I'm reading Subhuti's essay "Remorse and Confession in the Spiritual Community", which can be found on FBA.  Not sure when it came out.  I didn't see the paper announced, but a friend hipped me to it.

Reading the following paragraph of Subhuti's, I had a few revelations:

"According to the Buddhist tradition, laziness has three forms. There is laziness as everyone understands it – ‘the laziness that takes delight in lying down and not getting up’. Then there is the laziness that consists of yielding to unskilful impulses when we should resist them. But there is also the laziness of despondency. This is the state of mind in which we tell ourselves, ‘Poor me! What can I do? Not only do I lack x, but I also lack y and z. I’m just not up to it. Ah well, there it is’. This attitude leads to (or rationalises) the giving up of all effort. The tradition unequivocally regards this as a form of laziness: an unwillingness to put forth the virya, or spiritual energy, that is needed to close the gap between ourselves and our Ideal. It is important to distinguish this attitude from the objective self-criticism that is informed by faith and which leads (as we shall see) to confession. But before moving on to discuss confession, we need to look still deeper into sraddha."

So I had this revelation that in a way the following idea snuck into my head:  ‘Poor me! What can I do? Not only do I lack x, but I also lack y and z. I’m just not up to it. Ah well, there it is’

I recognized myself in that, unfortunately.

The second revelation was that I haven't really talked enough to people and connected with others to process my experience.  I'm too much of an isolato, as Melville coined.  I want to be more connected to others.