Lying

In bell hooks' all about love she writes about the importance of honesty in association with love in chapter 3. When someone asks her if she liked a present, she is honest with them. Often times people are upset at what they hear.

I think sometimes in language you have to translate social conventions into what they really are. If someone asks if you like a present, they want a thank you really. They don't want honesty. They may want a hint of honesty, to see if it was a good present or not. To my utter shame and cringing I once told my uncle that I didn't really like the Star Wars spaceship he got for me for Christmas. I think the sentiment is wonderful. My uncle loves me and tried to get me something I would like. All kids liked Star Wars. He was really sweet and I responded with harsh truth. I think speaking the unvarnished truth, at times, is socially jarring and shows a lack of empathy for the other person.

Another example is, "how do I look?" I think the important thing to communicate is that you love someone, find them capable of being attractive, that their presentation matches the awesomeness that you see in them. To say, "I don't like bangs," or shoulder ruffles or whatever isn't really something to break out at that moment if it is the truth. Of course people will be angry if they later find out that you don't like bangs, so there is some questions. Anyway, if you want to go ahead and say you're, "not a fan of bangs, but they seem to pull it off," that captures both truth and commitment to a person.

This brings up the question of verbal dexterity. I'm not great in the moment in communicating often. It is to not accept me to think I should stop this immediately. I've been learning scripts my whole life to try and be apt in the moment, but novelty outstretches my experience. I think to not understand that communication is a first draft, it perhaps a bit harsh.

Some people can hear the intention behind the words, and that is quite a lovely skill. But to use that knowledge for lying, well that's mendacity.

Having written that, we live in a time when lying seems to be OK for the President of the United States and his staff. And as per bell hooks, I'm not feeling a lot of love from the executive branch.

lying

There is an article in the Science Times section about lying. A study showed that students lie two times a day, regular workers lie one time a day. People feel guilty until they realize the got away with it. Turns out other primates lie as well. There's a correlation with brain size and lying, the larger, the more likely you are to lie. Not sure what that is about.

Telling the truth is hard, it makes life easier to lie when someone asks me if I've done something that I consider absurd, or I would get into trouble if I told the truth. I see it as another aspect of how I push away pain and cling to pleasure. I do so at the cost of my integrity, my own peril. I am in process of working to evolve towards more truth telling.

On a couple of occasions I was in a meeting with the head person where I worked, and they were exploring strategies of how to lie. In one meeting I asked if we could consider telling the truth. My boss saw that as an aggressively challenging statement, very angry.

I've always thought about not just truth and falsity, but also do I speak the deeper truths, as Bante suggest in his talk on the ten precepts. When I'm angry I'm lose myself and I'm carried away. But do I also describe things in their depths. Do I have the verbal acuity and insight to describe what is really going on?

The ten ethical precepts have 4 on speech.

I have a friend who really seems to examine these precepts. I've looked in on these a few times on retreat, and there was a time where I looked at one of the ten precepts throughout my day. There are some talks on the Eddinborough Center page (temporarily out of order), where Smritiratna talks about his efforts to speak truthfully. He warns people before he says, "do you really want to know, I'm going to tell the truth." Seems he applies it to questions about how someone looks, which they are often looking not so much for an exact aesthetic approval, but maybe reassurance that they don't look horrible. Sometimes "telling the truth" can be cruel. I think harmony must be preserved, and the other person's mind must be taken into account, the expression of the truth must also be kind and not meant to hurt. Now sometimes the truth does hurt and it's appropriate to give a tough love. But I would say that is more rare than the times when you need to craft your message to be kind.

I think non-violent communication is a model of communication. First you make an objective observation, then states your feelings, then state a need, then make a request. For example, "You guys are not using your inside voice. I feel overwhelmed by the volume. I need to have a home that is not very stressful, I feel like home is an oasis from the stress of outside life. Please keep your volume to an appropriate inside level." Perhaps it's elaborate and too complex at times. I really feel like speaking about how you feel, instead of combining what's going on and how you feel, instead of the accusation, "your so noisy!" you're less judgemental and it helps the other person figure out how to behave. Of course it takes more time than some heavy handed stuff, perhaps with parenting. Anyway, that's my imperfect example of NVC.

NVC is the opposite of lying. I think you avoid pratfalls and look to what would be virtuous.