Did I go on a tangent?

Brandi Carlile's song It Wasn't Me:

Hang on, just hang on for a minute
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you've changed

Tell me did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you see, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, that wasn't me

When you're lost you will toss every lucky coin you'll ever trust
And you will hide from every god like he never turns his back on us
And you will fall all the way to the bottom and fall on your own knife
But you'll learn who you are even if it doesn't take your life

Tell me did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you see, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, that wasn't me

But I want you to know that you'll never alone
I wanna believe do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that's what you see, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me

[end]

I woke up today singing, "did I go on a tangent?"

I googled the line, and found the song. I went to Spotify, and listened to the song. It seemed so apropo to my fall ten months ago. My actions were ego dystonic. I experienced them as not me. That wasn't me. I could not stop crying this morning for the hurt I brought.

What I love about this song is that she vows, like a bodhisattva vow, to help people back onto their feet, the ones who have fallen like she has. If there's any silver lining to a mistake, it's understanding them, and vowing to help people who've had similar mistakes. "But I want you to know that you'll never alone/I wanna believe do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet/When you fall I will get you on your feet"

I bought tickets for a Brandi Carlile concert for one of the many people I hurt, and she was very excited. I apologized and apologized. She says I need to forgive myself. A friend thinks what I did was pretty serious and I think so too. Unfortunately I can't take it back. There's a line from a George Michaels song, "some mistakes were built to last/that's what you get/that's what you get". Another friend says I need to focus on positively moving forward; So that's what I'll do. But this song has a lot of meaning for me.

The line "I'm not asking you to move on or forget it" also captures the fact that saying sorry doesn't take back anything, the thing happened. The song goes on to say, "To be wrong all along and admit is not amazing grace/But to be loved like a song you remember/Even when you've changed".

There was this big thing when Brit Hume said that Tiger Woods should convert to Christianity because it has redemption, and he implied that there isn't any in Buddhism. I am sure there isn't redemption like Christianity, because every system of belief is different. But in Buddhism seeing reality, being awake and alive, is the ultimate goal. When you're awake and alive you see things clearly. You're not bewildered, distracted, confused on important levels. You don't go twisting off on a tangent. By coming back to reality is positive progress. 

Angulimama murdered people, and then found the live Buddha, and he turned his life around. The best thing you can do is progress down the path towards enlightenment, which includes pledging to be harmless to others. Doing that might not be redemption, but it's a good thing, and will make do for redemption in my mind.