gobbledygook of my own making

Through the magic of technology, I'm meditating with a master. It's amazing. I'm so grateful. I hear birds in England and birds in New York City. 

I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon an online retreat. I met him in person probably 15 years ago. He's probably not taken u turns like I have, and just keeps developing. My spiritual life was 10 years of deepening, and then a 10 year detour. I'm hoping to coming back. I try to gently let go of that story and inhabit the breath. 

The usual feeling of my head coming out of warp speed when I start to meditate a lot. There's so much mental chatter. Coming into the body and I can't help but cry and cry. I have made mistakes I deeply regret, and struggle to forgive myself. I forgive myself for punishing myself. I don't know how to right wrongs of the past, the harm I've done. Forgive, forgive. Inside not forgiving is impatience and unrealistic expectations, not accepting conditions, resisting reality. I feel heat, like I'm burning off impurities. 

Out on my mindful walk, I have a brief flash of nausea from the coffee I gulped. That's the story I tell, and I'm painfully aware of how important it is for me to tell a story. Keep wanting to remember things to write about and blog, because when I actually sit down to do it, I panic that nothing is going to come sometimes. Obviously something comes, too much, this blog is just mental chatter. The culture around Buddhism has some interest. Everyone should express their insights, and then we could put it all into an AI and we could have an interesting artificial intelligence. 

No need to force anything. I want to add the word naturally because I think that word cuts through a lot of metaphysical gobbledygook I've inherited in the USA, that's too abstract, there's more recent clutter of my own making. America were founded by religious zealots. Vigor in the spiritual life is important, but there are a lot of New England horror stories. In a way Poe, the biggest critic of Transcendentalism, expresses that horror. Concord Transcendentalism is quite hard to read, but I really like ending up with naturalists cutting through Puritan excesses. Go for a walk. The brief pink sky as the sun rises. 

Where is the breath? Soothing the body. Nothing to exclude. Aware of the conditions of the body. Sensitive to delight. Train myself to calm mental fabrications. They calm naturally. Relax.

Seeing restlessness as a hindrance makes me want to do something about it, but seeing calming, I just relax in seeing restlessness decrease a little bit. Patience. Training. 

I feel gratitude. 

You can watch the meditation lead through on Vimeo. Second sit Vimeo.

Kamalashila's website