Retreat

I was on the 2011 ordination retreat for men into the Triratna Buddhist Order. I've been on quite a few of these retreats, only missing them when my kids were wee, and they get harder and harder. It's partially harder because I understand more and more what it's all about and the beginners luck has worn off.

Beginners luck is when you get into deep meditations because you've not meditated before and you punch through some levels quite easily. But as you meditate for years and years, punching through a level gets harder and harder, sometimes.

Another reason the retreat was hard, was because my meditation practice, while improving and coming back, hasn't been consistant, and like being in shape, if you're out of shape, there's only so far you can go training intensively. Of course it's good, but there's a difference intensifying when you're got a kind of fitness.

So one upshot of my retreat experience is that I've got a lot of work to do.

Of course the new people see with fresh eyes how wonderful it is to have time off to devote to meditation, friendship, dharma study, vegetarianism and walking in nature.

My retreat was all men, and it's a rare thing for me to be with just men. I like that. I love women, I've gone on many mixed retreats, I've done mixed study and all that. I think it's cool to be with just men.

The retreat was on Subhuti's paper based on conversations with Sangharakshita about imagination in the spiritual life.

I know it's kind of spiritual materialism to enjoy collecting new meditation practices, but I do like to learn new practices. We learned the practice where you call to mind the qualities and being of the historical Buddha Gotama.

I alternate between metta and mindfulness of breathing, and just sitting. Sometimes I extend that, or throw in a 6 element or prostration practice.

Btw, I finally heard an explanation of why people don't like the word "spiritual". I've heard many people say they don't like the word, but I never heard anyone say why. In Paramananda's lovely book, The Body, he says that spirituality has an implication of raising above, which can lead to getting away from the body and the muck the lotus needs to grow in. He prefers soulful. Works for me. Still, I use the word in contrast to materialistic or worldly. Even though I want to stay in the body, and I have to be in the muck, still, I do like going beyond somehow. Beyond and grounded.

One of my friends said I got my smile back.

I really appreciated the people who got ordained recently joining the retreat. I worked on my doubt with them--I have subtle and vague doubts that need to be rooted out. Doubt is fine, but it can undermine your practice if you don't examine it, process it.

Anywho, I got a lot from the retreat, and feel that it's a really wonderful thing for everyone. I wish I could do a week every two months, but my life doesn't support that idea, so I might as well either work towards it, or banish it from my mind.

In the safe setting you can talk about your meditation experience, and hear others. That's wonderful.

retreat

So I should probably give a little account of my last retreat at Aryaloka, which by the way is celebrating it's 25th anniversary--Yahoo! It almost closed down a few times, and it has an interesting and glorious history. I listened the the chairperson's talk last night. Dayalocana is awesome.

It was on the transcendental principle, and Sangharakshita's first chapter in A Survey of Buddhism.

I have read the survey many times by myself, but I've never studied it with others, and that was really awesome! My group was led by the great Nagabodhi who wrote Jai Bhim!: Dispatches From a Peaceful Revolution, among other things.

So as usual, retreats provide an amazing collection of things, which can be generalized by the phrase "supportive conditions." Good vegetarian food, lots of meditation, Dharma study and friendship in a lovely setting. I took walks along the river and around the neighborhood in Newmarket. I use these wonderful men as my reference point in the world. The last batch of photos here are all from Aryaloka, so just scroll down and look at the pictures.

The retreat is bookmarked on both ends by a ride up with a good friend and a ride down with a good friend, and friendship was abounding on the many walk and talks I went on with these good men. I'm going to be going on more retreats coming up and I will definitely be on this yearly men's ordination retreat next year.

Here is the retreat schedule if you missed it scrolling down.

There were many great talks.

Reporting out, I comment on how healthy I feel when I'm on retreat. I just feel really healthy, my best self. Thank you to everyone, including Sangharakshita for the order he created that allows for this retreat. Thank you to Vajramati for teaching me meditation 8 years ago. Thank you to Dhammarati and Nagabodhi for coming across the pond. Thank you to Danakammala for cooking! His last retreat where he's in charge of cooking (so he says). Thank you to all the other order members who participated and joined in. Thank you to my brothers in the Dharma in our journey towards ordination. Well done!

Retreat

So in a way a retreat experience is inexpressible to people outside the spiritual community. Of course I talked a lot on retreat to my spiritual friends. I suppose what I'm doing is to try and think about he retreat now, as a kind of way to keep it alive. Of course I write in my journal and to friends.

In fact, spiritual friendship is one of the keys to retreat experience. I get into a kind of tender and soft place, and that makes me more open and receptive. That's what the retreat was about--receptivity. We focused on the acceptance verse in the public ordination, "with loyalty to my teachers." One aid in that is the Cetokhila Sutta. This translation is a little different, in ours it talked about "ardor", which is a lovely word. I'm not going to go into the sutta, except to say that I have to kind of map it out on a sheet of paper to make sense of it. Because it's from an oral tradition it has all these mnemonic devices to help the monks memorize it, and that makes it actually hard to me to hear it. My mind wants a kind of outline or a story. The other thing I would say is that I uncovered personal reasons why, in my mind, there is subtle doubt about companions in the spiritual life, and I worked hard to understand the barriers I put up. My isolation is becoming less and less tenable.

How do I become more soft, tender. Lots of meditation. I have to say, compared to most of my brothers, I'm too wiggly of a meditator. I'm not so flexible, and I quickly scratch myself, put my legs up to make them comfortable. Compared to my rock like peers. But this retreat I was trying to appreciate and explore my body, with the influence of old Reggie Ray and his last book on somatic meditation, and Paramananda's book The Body. So, when my knees began to hurt, I investigated, tried to bring a sense of play instead of feeling trapped. I get twisty knee pain when I sit in a modified half lotus, and straight on knee pain when I used my bench. There's a kind of princess and the pea situation where I pile up a bunch of mats to try and not feel hardness on my knees. I would modify my posture to put more pressure on my butt, but then I would be hunched. I was trying to keep my body aligned, the hips at the right angle, my head at the right angle, my arms just so, and my shoulders not hunched.

So the pain would lead to a panic attack, and the panic attack led to emotional pain. I cried a lot. Someone put a brownie on my pillow Wednesday. The cool thing was that I thought anyone on the retreat was capable of it. That kind of kindness kills me.

So in the company of men, we told our life stories, and met in small groups and heard talks, lots of discussion of the Dharma. I have to say, I love Dharma talk. We also went on walks with each other, I thoroughly enjoyed talking with everyone. I have to say it's a special group of men. The food was good. It was more nature than I'm used to in NYC, so I enjoyed looking at green, seeing trees sway in the wind, sitting outside.

Here's what google earth shows as the two domes:


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Looks pretty green around there. Here's where I live on Google earth:


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Not my real address by the way but my neighborhood. Anywho, to continue. We also listened to a good talk by Subhuti on just sitting meditation.

I also read David Smith's book, A Record of Awakening. Someone mentioned it, and I'd forgotten it, so since it's short, I read it again. I never got to read the letter as to why he decided not to try and join the order, and started his own sangha. It's funny, there are a lot of controversies going around the order, but out here you kind of miss them. Something to talk about I suppose.

So, that's all I want to say for now. I have to say, I'm not sure what my point about communicating this stuff is to the strangers, I question blogging. Am I some kind of exhibitionist? Am I really adding to the knowledge of the Dharma? I doubt it. I expect it's kind of like a public notebook record of my spiritual life, and that's not a horrible thing. I hope everyone is well.

warp speed

My head feels like I've just come out of warp speed when I'm on retreats. Recently my mind/head has begun to feel that increased clarity and space before retreats, as a kind of anticipation. It's really quite amazing that somehow my mind begins to ramp up to a retreat. I'm beginning to get that feeling about the upcoming solitary.

Lots of new details for this retreat. I have to cook for myself instead of the communal cooking, or Dino's wonderful cooking. I determine the program and schedule. I've focused on what books to read. As always, I'm tempted to try to "catch up" on my reading without the kids around. Thank you to Vajramati for talking through some of my preparations.

I really look forward to this experience, but I'm feeling a little guilt and sadness about leaving the family for so long. I'm glad I took another week off to be with them to make up for it.