confidence

(from the Ruben Museum)

"..saddha is precisely the confidence that it is possible to liberate one's mind from hinderance and defilements." (Analayo 2017)

For some reason this quote catalyzed something for me. The idea that you can actually liberate yourself from hinderances and defilements. For me that means they won't even be gone, but they will be surrounded with mindfulness such that one can be active instead of reactive.

The hinderances of restlessness, doubt, sense pleasure, sloth and ill will. I had to google 5 hinderances to remember ill will.

The defilements are the kleshas:  ignorance, attachment, and aversion which lead to anxiety, fear, anger, jealousy, desire, depression, etc.

doubt hinderance

Sangharakshita is said that the spiritual life is caught not taught. How one develops spiritual interest and momentum is an interesting thing. For me I almost couldn't say why, except it felt so healthy to be on the path of the Buddhadharma, to open up to a spiritual life that wasn't hypocrisy and positioning for a place in society. Spirituality is a very private thing--something that is not lost on me writing a public blog.

There are times when the Dharma has faded. There have been times when my bewilderment was not disentangled enough, and I hurt people. There were times when I didn't have the energy and could not transcend the hinderance of remorse. There are dark nights of the soul when there seems to be no real benefit to the path. In the end working through those things, again and again because my hubris doesn't disappear when I see through it once or twice. It is a question on how to develop the opposite of doubt.

I once said to a friend, "how do we know there's not some unconditioned event in Alaska right now, that we don't know about, and will never really know about?" My friend asked what is really going on. I discuss some doubt I had and the question went away. In some ways doubt can be wrong view. The many different ways we can doubt are limned in the chapter on doubt.

Another is self doubt. That's all good for the Buddha, but I can't be enlightened. We live in a society that challenges our sense of self constantly, and it's hard to have real integrity, to tell the truth, to be transparent in a good way, to walk the talk. To do what you are committed to. This is no easy project, and I can't blame others for not wanting to engage, it's quite a real task. You need energy, and insight. and tough skin, and clarity and so many others qualities I'm still learning about.

Reading the chapter on doubt hinderance in Working with the Five Hinderances. I thought about how one theme in my psychotherapy was tolerance of ambivalence. The more toleration of ambivalence we have, accepting that we don't really know, the more you can be in the moment without spinning off into mental proliferation and planning. I've had many discussions with people who were offended that I took a position of not knowing. People need the security of knowing. "Knowing" is necessary for action, though you can act with the ambivalence, though there is realistically a greater delay. In a way, that's why types like House and Rita are attractive. They vigorously pursue what they know and don't know.

This is where I give my usual plug for the negative capability.

The chapter on doubt was surprisingly rich. This whole book was very rich in interesting thoughts for me. He set a good tone and warned us of modern interpretations that are off. I thought this book was well worth the time, and the only book I know in the hinderances. Thank you Ajahn Theradhamma for the gift of the Dharma.

May all being be happy, may all being be well.

Five Hinderances

I started reading Working With The Five Hinderances by Ajahn Theradhammo (I think his name means strong with the Dharma, but it could also mean the Dharma is strong, I'm no Pali scholar). He is part of the Thai Forest Tradition. I think I was taught the five hinderances in my 2nd or 3rd meditation class, but I've pretty much neglected them until somehow I decided that was something to focus on 14 years later. It's been a real revelation. Like you notice a plank you have always walked on was riddled with termites and really you've been floating on air, mis-walking over it for years. To me the Dharma isn't chasing sticks like a dog, but turning to face the stick thrower.

Here is Theradhammo's alternate translation of the 5 Hinderances:

1. Reaching out for sense stimulation: wanting, longing for, desiring sense pleasure. (Sense Desire)

2. Any kind of pushing away of experience: resistance, irritation, aversion. (Ill Will)

3. Lethargy and drowsiness: Lacking driving power, lethargy, not having vigor or lacking energy, unwieldiness, laziness, sleepiness, drowsiness, dullness of the mind. (Sloth and Torpor)

4. Worry or scruples: Remorse, worrying about one's unskillful actions. (Restlessness and Anxiety)

5. Sceptical doubt, uncertainty, perplexity specifically with regard to the teachnigs or the training, or even self doubt about one's ability to do the practice. Confusion, worry, which causes indecision, wavering and vacillation and paralysis. (Doubt and Indecision)

The things in parenthesis are the categories was taught that can be found in Change Your Mind by Paramanada and Meditation by Kamalashila. I honestly don't know if Kamalashila's new book called Meditation is the same book, with a different subtitle, or whether it's a fresh new book, or whether it's like a second edition after he edited and re-wrote the new one. 

Anyway, they are both from the TBC, which is the tradition I learned my meditation, have gone on many retreats and was in the ordination process for many years. I learned in NYC with Vajramati in 2002.

Looking into my other books, there's no index listing for hinderances or five hinderances in A Survey of Buddhism the 1947 classic by Sangharakshita. Bhante Gunarantana has 2 chapters on distractions, which are pretty useful in Mindfulness in Plain English. One of my friends who left the TBC went to Bante G's outfit. I thought Mindfulness for Dummies would have something on it, but not in the index, nor with some cursory glancing through the book.

Needless to say, my desire for sense experience is both physical and mental. All the struggling, even if I'm not pushing but just noting the hinderance gives me doubt. Remorse, which is a part of restlessness and anxiety, kept me from meditating for years. I even did a few flow charts in my mind, then realized they were mental sense pleasure perhaps. It's funny certain things seem irresistible to think about in meditation and yet after I don't give a second thought. Anywho, I'm trying to think about them outside the meditation.

I hope I can complete the 365 day challenge on the Insight Timer. I have 26 consecutive days beyond the year challenge. But quantity is not quality and I was very struck by the idea of mis-meditating.

I'll update you on further revelations as they come.