Metta meditation today

When I'm disciplined, I meditate before my daughter wakes. I stopped meditating for a while because I was sad a friend did not write me back. It's more than that, with the usual distractions and problems. I have been reading a lot lately and when I meditate, I don't want to read as much. I read slower. 

So my daughter was sitting pretty quietly, watching Noddy: Toyland Detective. So I went into my room and sat down at my shrine. I put the cushions into a comfortable position and started my insight timer. 

My daughter came in. Apparently her recent spate of feeling comfortable alone had ended. So I told her what I was doing. "I'm doing a metta meditation, universal loving kindness. In the first stage I cultivate metta towards myself, remembering happy times, and hoping for the conditions of feeling safe, loved, stimulated, all my emotional needs were met, I problem solve and communicate well, and I have insight into myself, circumstances, and remember the goals of Buddhism to be kinder and more mindful."

"In the second stage I think of my friend Cliff who is off boondocking in Arizona, running, eating vegan food, sleeping in his car, pooping in a hole he dug. I have had so many wilderness adventures with him, hiking, canoeing, driving, biking. I wish him well where he is. I hope he is happy in his heart of heart. What would block me from feeling metta towards Cliff?"

I go silent as my daughter uses my back to drape a small blanket over me, and she lays in the tent she has built. The cat, excited by the action, keeps head butting my hands. My daughter quietly mutters to herself. Then she decides to use the chair to make a fort, and then she lays down frustrated. The fort hasn't come out the way she wanted it to. It did not meet her expectations. She tells me she is sad. I ask her if she needs some help.

I tell her I wish her well, wish her happy in her heart of hearts, and she is a little touched by that and rubs my arm back and forth in a warm gesture. But she wants help making her fort. I try all I can to keep focused in metta, and move to the enemy, the person who irritates me, annoys me, disappoints me, and who is in conflict with me, expresses anger towards me, lets me know they are disappointed in me. 

But my daughter is ramping up to be more assertive. She wants help is making her unsad. I try a little longer but after committing to a 40 minute meditation, after 28 minutes I give up, and help her build a fort. But my back hurts so I go and lay down, and she comes with me to the room that has her show. I sit and write about my attempt to meditate. She is hungry, she wants some pasta with butter and salt. I go prepare it for her.

I was writing my second novel, a sort of sci-fi Buddhism thing that I enjoy, but I don't think would be too comercial, and family has not thought it so fantastic it needs to be published. I'll put it up when I have the trilogy finished. I'm halfway done with the 3rd one too. I was writing about meditating and wanted to meditate. When i have the urge to meditate, I follow that urge. So I gave it a try but the circumstances were not conducive. I'll get up early tomorrow before my daughter gets up.

Sloth and torpor

As we know from a previous post the "sloth and torpor" hinderance can fully mean: Lethargy and drowsiness: Lacking driving power, lethargy, not having vigor or lacking energy, unwieldiness, laziness, sleepiness, drowsiness, dullness of the mind.

In chapter 146. Getting Rid of Drowsiness (VII 58A) of the Numerical Discourses of the Buddha, the text suggests 8 ways to cope with drowsiness. This isn't just for meditation, it's probably if you're also reflecting or even communing with sangha, perhaps anything you do.

1. Do not give attention to a thought that leads to drowsiness. For instance if I think about all the things I have to do, I get drowsy sometimes. Or perhaps a particularly hard issue. Now meditation is not thinking and not not thinking. You have an object of focus or even no object of focus, and when thoughts come up you usually just let them pass by. But still there are thoughts that will lead to drowsiness and you can just not pick up those thoughts. I suppose these countermeasures can also be for reflection, you could be reflecting and this hinderance can come up.

2. You can think about the Dharma, what you have learned and mastered. Perhaps if you're drowsy you've lost the flow of where you are heading, your vector, your aspirations. If you think about the Dharma and why you're even doing this. Motivation is important to get you though the tough times, the dark night of the soul, and through drowsiness. This should be personal and I'm just going to riff now about what I could think about.

I go straight to condition co-production, Pratītyasamutpāda, 12 nidanas, the three marks of existence, the shortness of life. I try to think and feel my way into those insights. I think about peak experiences where I really felt it with my whole body. I think about how healthy I feel after the effort of a retreat or a concerted effort practice time. I think about the life of the Buddha, his 4 sights that got him to go forth. I think about Mara's challenges to the Buddha. I can think of great books I have read about the Dharma. I can see the TBC refuge tree, or modern teachers who are inspirational that are not on that tree, I can do an alternative female refuge tree, I can visualize Avalokiteshvara with a thousand arms helping others,  Amithabha and love, Manjushri with his sword, Padmasambhava with his little mustache, Milarepa with all the funny images of him that I have, him green from eating nettle soup so much, singing his songs. I've been reading a lot about the 6 element practice, so I could see the 6 elements flowing through my body, my body as a temporary collection of those 6 things, a river if you will. I can visualize real people I have met and gotten to know a little bit who represent aspects of the Dharma, and Shakyamuni. I can say in my head mantras that energize me, remember sitting in the shrine room with my dharma brothers chanting. That always gives me energy. I can even visualize beautiful mental snap shots I have taken in nature. I can visualize Aryaloka, Jikoji, Garrison or camping spots where I meditated. I'm getting energized just writing this. 

3. You can recite the dharma. We don't memorize as much these days, but I have the heart sutra memorized in English. I have the refuges and precepts memorized from Pali. I know the Vajrasattva mantra.

I want to memorize the Ti Ratna Vandana. I have much of the 7 fold puja memorized. I have read the Diamond Sutra many times as a ritual. There are other pujas as well. Some of the puja links I have in past blog posts are dead, unfortunately. I have a folder of printed out pujas, because I had that fear that they would disappear. I've worked on a few pujas myself, but have not completed them. I could energize myself to complete them! There are so many possibilities here.

4. Pull your ear lobes. Rub your limbs. 

5. Wash your face. Look around, look at the stars.

6. Visualize a bright light (presuming it's night).

7. Walking meditation.

Alternating sitting and walking meditation is a way to get a lot out of a practice time. I have to go outside to walk most of the time, and people often come up to me and ask if I have lost something because I'm walking slowly, looking down. But early in the morning or late at night nobody does that. I can walk up and down my hallway sometimes without feeling too claustrophobic. Sometimes a faster mindful walk can be good too, if I have a lot of energy.

8*. Take a nap. 

On my first retreat, I was so tired, when the meditation bell was rung, I launched myself onto a couch and was instantly out in a lovely nap. Meditation takes energy, until you get to a certain point, and when I meditate, the first few days of a retreat, I often catch up on sleep. Then I tend to be more awake, and sleep less, but that is another problem. Calming oneself down from a late night puja or whatnot isn't easy for me, so sometimes I would skip the puja to get a good night sleep.

I tend to follow the program exactly at a retreat, and nap when I can if I'm tired. I probably follow the schedule too exactly, I missed an important meeting once because I wanted to follow the retreat schedule and wanted to meditate. I do make a point of skipping one meditation if someone wants to go on a walk with me. Walking with a dharma brother is important too. I listen to my body and if I feel overwhelmed, and I feel a physical resistance to going to meditate, I take a walk in nature instead and try to figure out what is going on while on the walk. Otherwise I just push past it, sometimes just following the schedule is a comfort and not thinking about it you can slide into deep practice. Sometimes I add in meditation, waking up early, or sitting on after a meditation.

I was excited to see a Pali Cannon chapter on sloth, and wanted to share it with the world. May all being be happy, may all being be well.

Hinderances and circumstances

Another aspect of the hinderances is that they are very ego driven, and therefore they are an opportunity to observe the self. It's almost crushing to admit you have hinderances, or greed, hatred and desire. The hope is to turn desire into Dhammachanda, which is desire for the Dharma life. I like that concept.

Ajahn Theradhamma also talks about circumstances. He talks about the importance of generosity to help break the hold on self but excoriates the lay who leave after giving stuff, and miss the meditation. Theravadan tradition is plagued by the lay/monastic split.

Five Hinderances

I started reading Working With The Five Hinderances by Ajahn Theradhammo (I think his name means strong with the Dharma, but it could also mean the Dharma is strong, I'm no Pali scholar). He is part of the Thai Forest Tradition. I think I was taught the five hinderances in my 2nd or 3rd meditation class, but I've pretty much neglected them until somehow I decided that was something to focus on 14 years later. It's been a real revelation. Like you notice a plank you have always walked on was riddled with termites and really you've been floating on air, mis-walking over it for years. To me the Dharma isn't chasing sticks like a dog, but turning to face the stick thrower.

Here is Theradhammo's alternate translation of the 5 Hinderances:

1. Reaching out for sense stimulation: wanting, longing for, desiring sense pleasure. (Sense Desire)

2. Any kind of pushing away of experience: resistance, irritation, aversion. (Ill Will)

3. Lethargy and drowsiness: Lacking driving power, lethargy, not having vigor or lacking energy, unwieldiness, laziness, sleepiness, drowsiness, dullness of the mind. (Sloth and Torpor)

4. Worry or scruples: Remorse, worrying about one's unskillful actions. (Restlessness and Anxiety)

5. Sceptical doubt, uncertainty, perplexity specifically with regard to the teachnigs or the training, or even self doubt about one's ability to do the practice. Confusion, worry, which causes indecision, wavering and vacillation and paralysis. (Doubt and Indecision)

The things in parenthesis are the categories was taught that can be found in Change Your Mind by Paramanada and Meditation by Kamalashila. I honestly don't know if Kamalashila's new book called Meditation is the same book, with a different subtitle, or whether it's a fresh new book, or whether it's like a second edition after he edited and re-wrote the new one. 

Anyway, they are both from the TBC, which is the tradition I learned my meditation, have gone on many retreats and was in the ordination process for many years. I learned in NYC with Vajramati in 2002.

Looking into my other books, there's no index listing for hinderances or five hinderances in A Survey of Buddhism the 1947 classic by Sangharakshita. Bhante Gunarantana has 2 chapters on distractions, which are pretty useful in Mindfulness in Plain English. One of my friends who left the TBC went to Bante G's outfit. I thought Mindfulness for Dummies would have something on it, but not in the index, nor with some cursory glancing through the book.

Needless to say, my desire for sense experience is both physical and mental. All the struggling, even if I'm not pushing but just noting the hinderance gives me doubt. Remorse, which is a part of restlessness and anxiety, kept me from meditating for years. I even did a few flow charts in my mind, then realized they were mental sense pleasure perhaps. It's funny certain things seem irresistible to think about in meditation and yet after I don't give a second thought. Anywho, I'm trying to think about them outside the meditation.

I hope I can complete the 365 day challenge on the Insight Timer. I have 26 consecutive days beyond the year challenge. But quantity is not quality and I was very struck by the idea of mis-meditating.

I'll update you on further revelations as they come.

Starting a sit tonight

So the day is finally here.  Perhaps it's a small thing, but to me it is huge.  I'm going to have a drop in sit at my house.  I developed a plan, talked about it with my friends, and executed my plan with lots of support, and there's even potentially 2-4 newcomers coming.  I'm very excited, and anxious to make it the best supportive thing for meditation.

It was suggested to me that if you've only got one night reliably free, have a drop in sit.  It mixes beginners with the new.  So my concern is that I will be basic enough for the beginners, and interesting enough for those advanced.

So we'll gather, have a sit, with instructions for the beginners, process our experience, take a tea break, and then have a Dharma discussion.  I can see things spinning off in different directions.  Maybe I give a short talk.  Maybe we listen to a snippet of talk from Free Buddhist Audio (I've been downloading Dharmabytes trying to find one I feel is appropriate for the first night.)  Maybe we will have a simple meal if we're all hungry.  Who knows.  But I have anxiety about the unknown of how it will evolve.  Will there be regular attendance.  Will it fluctuate with new people and regulars?  Will it fluctuate greatly.  Lots of questions and unknowns.

I was talking to someone, and I worried that Sunday night would be a bad time.  But I was talking to someone who said that Sunday night is a good time, it's a good ending to the weekend, a good transition to the week.

I'd better go clean some to make it a welcoming environment.  Wish me luck!

And e-mail me at unionandmain@gmail.com if you'd like to join in, here is Kew Garden Hills, Queens, New York City, New York, United States of America.

shorts?

I was hoping to connect with the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe but I only brought shorts because American Airlines charges $25 for a bag to check in and I had tight space in my backpack. A pair of jeans would take up a lot of room, and I don't expect to wear them. Upaya's website says, "Please do not wear shorts of sleeveless tops." I find myself asking, "what does that have to do with meditation?" And they want you to wear dark colors. I'm so curious what the thinking is behind this rule, and how these traditions cropped up. If anyone knows who reads this, please comment.

Milarepa quote

From pp. 476-477, from chapter 41 of The Hundred Thousand Songs of Milarepa:

"The Ultimate Practice is not to consider
Distractions and drowsiness as faults.
Doing so to stave them off is like
kindling a lamp in bright daylight."

I like this quote because I've recently been thinking about how Padmasambhava doesn't get rid of demons, but "pins them down," and stares at them. The evolution of a meditater might be about making friends with your weaknesses and problems.

Thoughts and links

Thoughts:

Today I was plagued with spiritual envy. Thinking about my friend who has had a rich experience of meeting famous Buddhists, going on awesome long retreats with top teachers, and even editing books of Dharma talks. With my family and my own trajectory, that's just not possible for me, and maybe I'm a spiritual materialist, but I wouldn't mind collecting some peak experiences like that. Now another friend is going off to India for a month, and I'm very jealous. I have not been asked to join the order, so even if I could somehow get off to go, I am envious of those who can go to order conventions. I suppose that should focus me on working harder to deepen my practice, but the small me wants things without having to try harder than I already am.

I need to shift my meditation to night time. I've always loved morning meditation, but it's just not doable and I'm struggling to shift my meditation to evening before bed.

Finally, January 19th is Hakuin's Birthday.

Links:

A new update from the Preceptor's College.

Lokabandhu reviews the Essential Sangharakshita. Here's an exerpt of the review: "Vidyadevi, or Karen Stout as Wisdom preferred to refer to her, is an Order Member of many years’ standing and the book’s editor. She’s been working on it for the past 5 years and has clearly lived and breathed it for much of that time – starting by re-reading all Sangharakshita’s books and marking passages for possible inclusion with little sticky notes. That produced a vast amount of material which, after first presentation to Wisdom, had to be reduced by almost half – and which still left the problem of how to organise it all! In her Preface she writes of how she tackled the problems of selection and organisation – and her masterstroke of using the Mandala of the Five Buddhas as the organising principle for the book."

Trycle has interesting daily Dharma posts.

An article on Dalits and Ambedkar on BNN.

A new to me TV channel has some Milarepa songs read, after some introduction.

I haven't seen it yet, but there's a new documentary on PBS about India that includes some Buddhist stuff.

A Buddhist father misses his daughter.

An author plugs his excellent book that I recommend.

12 hours completed

We raised money for Indian Youth.

Here is a photo. One with me.

My experience was that it was grueling. We started at 9pm. I got a second wind around 4, but after that, from 5 to 9 was a very hard slog. It was funny, we heard a party going on into the night, past 3am at least.

I get this feeling meditating a lot, that as a friend said, "I'm coming out of light speed."

In the end, my knees hurt, it took a huge effort to keep my eyes open, and not lay down, and I started to itch and twitch. I've never been great at sitting totally still, but as the night progressed I got worse and worse. Quite a challenge, for a worthy cause. The fund raising totals are not in yet, but we raised some good money.

My hope is that however hard this meditation was, it's all uphill from here. I don't think I'll ever feel as challenged as I was after 5am. I think the other thing it impressed on me, is that like a marathon, you can run one without training, but it make you suffer more. If I do this again, I'm going to lay down some days of longer meditation to try and get in shape.

Thank you to everyone who participated and worked hard setting up the shrine, organizing, and serving the tea.

Meditation News

You can always go to Wildmind to see the latest in meditation news, but I'll pass on ones I read. I don't personally need any more validation for the fact that meditation is good, an amazing life changing activity, life enriching. I love talking meditation with others who meditate. Anywho, here's an article about why meditation is good.

Anne Harrington, a Harvard University history of science professor, says, "Long-term meditation rewires the brain and can make a person happier and maybe even healthier,"

Harrington said, "In a 1969 study conducted by Robert Keith Wallace, monks who had been meditating for 20 or 30 years showed levels of attentiveness that were 30 times higher than those of controls."

meditation for children

Emma and William were playing with my meditation cushion. I said, "hey, don't mess up my meditation cushion!"

Emma said, "what is meditation?" She wanted me to teach her.

So I taught her, a childish version of the metta bhavana. William was all over the place, he couldn't stop talking. He wanted to think about dinosaurs instead of a near and dear friend. He was squirmy, he couldn't sit still. Emma made a weird kind of concentration face.

I hope it gave them some kind of taste, I hope I didn't turn them off from meditation. I've got a lot to learn about teaching meditation.

I've also been doing mindfulness and short meditation exercises with my patients in jail, which is quite exciting.

coffee, meditation and truth (520 words)

A stolen moment, Diana is up and I'm going to take a blog break, from organizing, cleaning and parenting.

In college I used to argue about the truth existing, independent, discoverable. Now I see it as an aspect of a perspective, not outside a perspective, and I'm pragmatic about what the best perspective is. Experience is more relevant to me.

Regarding coffee and meditation, I don't presume to know what others should do. I know what my case is: I've been drinking coffee since I was 18, when I went to college, and I was able to stay awake and study, pay attention in class. So it seemed.

Now I'm 40 years old, and I think coffee causes me anxiety, tension, wangs up my autonomic system, and makes it harder for me to relax. Twenty two years of addiction. Any gains in wakefulness are lost in warding off the feelings of tiredness, are lost in the negative side effects. You can’t get something for nothing. As a therapist I know the importance of tolerating your emotions, and yet I don't tolerate mine. I use a drug to take away a feeling, and I've blinded myself to it out of addiction.

I'm using a harm reduction model to move towards recovery. Last year I tried the abstinence approach. I set the goal of quitting for 14 days and I got through 8. I wasn't waking up and meditating. And if you've read my recent essay on Wildmind, you know meditation is the last thing I want to give up. I would not have known that without children. Anywho, so I went back on coffee, and decided I couldn't quit.

Now I know about the harm reduction model that works more in the grays instead of black and white and appreciates how hard addiction really is. I'm not comparing coffee addiction to some shipwreck addiction that ruins life. As we know the addiction that can fly under the radar of functionality are acceptable in our society. But it is similar enough to give me insight into others.

So I've tried to cut down, use less, and really just notice when the craving hits me. What are the complext rush of feelings and self states that provoke me to reach for the coffee? Aside from waking up quickly, I don’t really need coffee. And I don’t need much to do that.

I actually do feel more alive not using coffee as much. It's been an easier struggle through harm reduction and I am making progress, I didn't quit quitting. I average half a cup a day, and that is some good progress. More promising is that I feel like I'm recovering my true self, I feel more me, and that's a real test for me about whether something is working.

So for me, getting off coffee is a help towards meditation. In meditation I don't move or consciously distract myself. I have to feel my emotions, and they wash over me, move on, when I don't cling to them. It's therapeutic to meditate, is very complimentary to psychotherapy. It’s all about waking up.