Metta meditation today

When I'm disciplined, I meditate before my daughter wakes. I stopped meditating for a while because I was sad a friend did not write me back. It's more than that, with the usual distractions and problems. I have been reading a lot lately and when I meditate, I don't want to read as much. I read slower. 

So my daughter was sitting pretty quietly, watching Noddy: Toyland Detective. So I went into my room and sat down at my shrine. I put the cushions into a comfortable position and started my insight timer. 

My daughter came in. Apparently her recent spate of feeling comfortable alone had ended. So I told her what I was doing. "I'm doing a metta meditation, universal loving kindness. In the first stage I cultivate metta towards myself, remembering happy times, and hoping for the conditions of feeling safe, loved, stimulated, all my emotional needs were met, I problem solve and communicate well, and I have insight into myself, circumstances, and remember the goals of Buddhism to be kinder and more mindful."

"In the second stage I think of my friend Cliff who is off boondocking in Arizona, running, eating vegan food, sleeping in his car, pooping in a hole he dug. I have had so many wilderness adventures with him, hiking, canoeing, driving, biking. I wish him well where he is. I hope he is happy in his heart of heart. What would block me from feeling metta towards Cliff?"

I go silent as my daughter uses my back to drape a small blanket over me, and she lays in the tent she has built. The cat, excited by the action, keeps head butting my hands. My daughter quietly mutters to herself. Then she decides to use the chair to make a fort, and then she lays down frustrated. The fort hasn't come out the way she wanted it to. It did not meet her expectations. She tells me she is sad. I ask her if she needs some help.

I tell her I wish her well, wish her happy in her heart of hearts, and she is a little touched by that and rubs my arm back and forth in a warm gesture. But she wants help making her fort. I try all I can to keep focused in metta, and move to the enemy, the person who irritates me, annoys me, disappoints me, and who is in conflict with me, expresses anger towards me, lets me know they are disappointed in me. 

But my daughter is ramping up to be more assertive. She wants help is making her unsad. I try a little longer but after committing to a 40 minute meditation, after 28 minutes I give up, and help her build a fort. But my back hurts so I go and lay down, and she comes with me to the room that has her show. I sit and write about my attempt to meditate. She is hungry, she wants some pasta with butter and salt. I go prepare it for her.

I was writing my second novel, a sort of sci-fi Buddhism thing that I enjoy, but I don't think would be too comercial, and family has not thought it so fantastic it needs to be published. I'll put it up when I have the trilogy finished. I'm halfway done with the 3rd one too. I was writing about meditating and wanted to meditate. When i have the urge to meditate, I follow that urge. So I gave it a try but the circumstances were not conducive. I'll get up early tomorrow before my daughter gets up.