Reiki

I just experienced reiki for the first time. Didn't feel much, it was a short session, supposedly they're usually longer. But it was nice to lay down and relax.

The wikipedia article on it reports that scientific studies show it has no greater than a placebo effect, but I think that the placebo effect is worth something--the hope that something good happens is wonderful.

The instructions were, "imagine a white light coming into your head, and you breathing it out." So she put her hands on my shoulders, on my chest and stomach and then knees, and finally my ankles. She said she's tell me when she's done and she did.

She thought I was balanced, no anger pulling energy to my liver.

I'd say it can't hurt. I want to be open to things. There is a part of me that is curious about the scientific community, but there's a part of me that wants to be open to things outside my immediate experience. I have no problem that people make a living doing such things, there are lots worse things.

I like it that a Buddhist discovered Reiki, supposedly enlightened, but I'm also a bit wary. In my tradition, in so far as I understand it, these magical kinds of things are seen as nice, but not really the point. They can be a distraction. I don't have a formal sadhana practice but I'm going to ask for Avalokiteshvara when some day I hope to be ordained into the WBO. The woman who did Reiki on me today said she imagines Jesus Christ.

She talked about healing a woman's breast cancer, and her own heart problems. Of course anecdotal evidence doesn't prove anything, but it doesn't disprove anything either.

I imagine people pro-Reiki might dislike my not embracing it the way they do. I imagine skeptical people poo pooing it. I think people should try it if they can and I hope to try it again.

More Proof That Meditation in Revolutionary

Blakeslee for the New York Times writes, "Recent research has shown that meditation is good for the brain. It appears to increase gray matter, improve the immune system, reduce stress and promote a sense of well-being." in an article dated May 8th 2007. (I can't make the permalink work, but try this link.)

For me meditation is so revolutionary that I choose it over sleep. I'd rather be tired and more aware.

Am I addicted? Addiction is not used for positive beneficial things. When you know something is good for you, it's healthy to want to do it.

I feel more embodied, closer to my experience, I have a greater and more powerful observing ego. And the study shows, better attention.

In one of my favorite sutras, there is all kinds of advice, then they go to the Buddha. The Buddha says, "taht's all good, but I think you should just sit down and meditate till you are enlightened." I'm trying to follow that advice.

Sutras Read

There's a site with sutras are read to you.http://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Ten Things To Talk About

From the Udana in the Pali Cannon, here are 10 things that talking about them, lead to enlightenment:

There are these ten topics of [proper] conversation. Which ten? Talk on modesty, on contentment, on seclusion, on non-entanglement, on arousing persistence, on virtue, on concentration, on discernment, on release, and on the knowledge & vision of release. These are the ten topics of conversation. If you were to engage repeatedly in these ten topics of conversation, you would outshine even the sun & moon, so mighty, so powerful — to say nothing of the wanderers of other sects.

Now I'm not sure about slagging off other sects, that may be an add on later, but we've been going into depth at sangha night about each one of these topics. Well, we did one day on modesty and had a rather fruitful discussion. There's also a lot of people from England in our group and I've lived in England for more than a year, and we also had some interesting discussion about the various national character. Good stuff, I love unpacking and discussing the Pali Cannon, with the sangha.

Gun Control in America

Adam Gopnik has a good commentary on the shootings in the New Yorker.

To paraphrase, or express what it makes me think, he says that basically every country tightens up it's gun control laws after a horrible gun killing atrocity, and then they don't happen any more. Not so in America where our thick heads are clouded by fears of government intervention, and the fear that we could be invaded and caught gunless. A relative of mine was against gun control. But did she want one? No. So what's she worried about?! She doesn't like the idea of curbed "freedoms" even if it would result in people not being killed, which is what it's all about to me. I'm so sick of reading these articles in the paper. We need gun control! Charlton Heston is not my president (I saw a bumper sticker in North Carolina asserting that once). That stupid slogan "guns don't kill people, people do." Yea, people with guns. Takes both those things. You can't remove the people so remove the guns.

America is an adolescent that is worried about it's autonomy. While it's economic power wanes and fades, it needs to grow up and join it's elder brothers and sisters in Europe, stop acting like a teenage who's out for a drive, craves the freedom to hurt themselves. America needs to mature, grow up.

Until then, get ready for the next gun killing spree.

Peace Pilgrim

Lokabandhu's talk At Home Everywhere on FWBO day 2006 at the Manchester Buddhist Center mentions the Peace Pilgim, who turns out to have an iteresting site.

Birmingham Center has some talks on line.

Japan Society Exhibition in NYC

There's a lovely little story about Fish-Basket Kannon who is a Japanese manifestation of Avalokiteshvara, about some art work at the Japan Society Exhibition in the New York Times.

madhyamavani

There are some interesting articles in madhyamavani. There's an interesting summary by Parami of the last college meeting. There is also the preceptors college blog.

Favorte talk these days

I really enjoyed Bodhidaka's talk on Meghiya on the Padmaloka site (last one as of today).

The sutra he talks about can be found by clicking on this sentence.

Also the Manchester Buddhist Center has a site with talks, haven't gotten around to them yet, but they look really good.

There's a good article on Kumarjeev in a SF paper.

online meditation news database

An interesting online meditation news database.

Obscure Words in A Survey Of Buddhism

Word's I'd never come across reading A Survey Of Buddhism by Sangharakshita:

synoptic--seeing toghether and pertaining to or constituting a synopsis; affording or taking a general view of the principal parts of a subject.

eleemosynary is charity

eremitical is a about a hermit.

coenobitical relates to the monastic life.

xylograph is an engraving in wood.

"barbara, celarent and darii" from p. 240 refers to Aristotle's logic terms. (Page number refer to 2001 edition.)

Bhante Quote

"We should have the courage not of our intellectual convictions but of our transcendental realizations. The doctrinal differences existing between the various schools of Buddhism out to be delight rather than dismay us, for we are thereby stung into keener awareness of the limitations of the intellect, startled into livelier recognition of the purely instrumental nature of the Dharma, and at least awakened into a clearer comprehension of the great truth that, as Buddha himself said repeatedly, Nirvana is atakkavacara, beyond the reach of reasoning."

Sangharakshita, Page 240, A Survey Of Buddhism, 2001 edition.

Ethics, study and support

My next retreat is going to be on ethics. Here are the negative 5 precepts:

1. I undertake to abstain from taking or harming life.
2. I undertake to abstain from taking what is not freely given.
3. I undertake to abstain from causing harm through sexuality.
4. I undertake to abstain from false speech.
5. I undertake to abstain from taking intoxicants that dull the mind.

The positive counterparts are stated as follows:

1. With deeds of loving kindness, I purify my body.
2. With open-handed generosity, I purify my body.
3. With stillness, simplicity and contentment, I purify my body.
4. With truthful communication, I purify my speech.
5. With mindfulness clear and radiant, I purify my mind.

We're going to be studying the 10 precepts from Bhante's The Ten Pillars, sold at Windhorse Publishing, a model of right livelihood cooperative in the movement.

In other news, there's a good site that has the mitra study course we're going to be doing with Vajramati, on the FWBO center support web site.

T.S. Eliot

T.S. Eliot writes in The Coctail Party, "You are nothing but a set of obsolete responses. The one thing to do is to do nothing." Not sure what his true perspective is on Buddhism and whatnot, I'm no T.S. Eliot scholar, but that's pretty dharmic to me.

Vegan Web Site

A cool vegan site is written about in the NY Times.

pictures plus

I found a site that has some pictures of a retreat a while back on Padmasambhava.

Bodhipaksa has some good commentary.

I found a new blog to read by gambhiradaka.

Yogi Chen

I found a web site that has Yogi Chen's writings translated into English.

Vegetarianism

From the lankavatara sutra:

Meat, the sinful food, is not permitted according to the three vows: the vows of individual liberation, the Bodhisattva vows and the tantric vows. Thus Buddha stated: "I have never approved, do not approve, and will never approve of a meat diet." He declared: "my followers must never eat meat."

A Mahayana scripture doesn't lock it from me, but it helps. There are so many reasons for me, but ultimately it just seems unskillful. There's too much accumulation of various arguments.

Many people say, "the Dali Lama eats meat." But when he stopped eating meat again, did they notice? Did that sway them?

Some people say, "but plants have feelings to." But if they really meant that, they would only eat plants, and not meat which involves more killing of plants than plant eating.

I stopped eating meat for the first time when in a nutritional science class, I learned that it was not necessary. Being given free BBQ ribs, my weakness at the time, I went off the bandwagon.

My second stint as a vegetarian was when my good friend went to visit a friend who'd become a butcher, and was revolted. He read a book, I read it, and it convinced me. But I felt into some poverty, and felt I could not pass up free food, even if it had meat, and once the seal was broken, I just ate it. Envirnmentalism began to play a role in my not eating meat, beyond the dietary and more straight ethical questions. I've never really had that visceral reaction to a corpse, but I am repulsed by some of the practices.

My third time trying to be a vegetarian, I made an exception for fish. I thought: They are free range, and I need protein. I wasn't such a good vegetarian, a nutritionist in training examined my diet and said I was over eating carbohydrates because of a lack of protein. I'd restarted it at the example of my new uncle who is a vegan. He was eating a muffin that obviously had eggs in it. I asked him how he reconciled it? He said he wasn't 100% pure, but he aimed for it, and that even if he was out and fell off the wagon, he got back on. I realized, eating meat once didn't mean that I had to abandon my goals. But I read a book called Cod, and learned about the fishing practices. They drag a net through the water, killing everything. Then they call the market, find out what fish is bringing the most money, because they have quotas and can only take so much. And then they push the dead sea life off the deck back into the dead waters. No more illusions about free range fish.

My latest conversion was a combination of FWBO peer pressure (positive in this case) and a deepening feeling about not wanting to eat meat because it just wasn't skillful. One day I summoned the courage and will power and just did it. It was my hardest conversion somehow, maybe because I wasn't playing any more. I would not eat meat any more because of my conviction. I felt ashamed to eat meat. I saw the virtue in Vajramati, Seth and Trebor.

vegetarianism books

I love the New Yorker, even in it's slight decline. There's a good review of a book on vegetarianism. My Christian friends might like to look up the quotes from the Bible. I didn't know that being a vegetarian raises one's IQ, but that being a vegan isn't as good as meat eating. I didn't know that if everyone quit eating meat, it would have more of an envirnmental effect than quitting cars. The book is called The Bloodless Revolution: A Cultural History of Vegetarianism from 1600 to Modern Times.

I've always liked Carol J. Adam's book The Sexual Politics of Meat, which talks of the vegetarian subtext in literature, and draws the parallel of treating someone as an object instead of a subject is what meat eaters do, and rapists.

My friend Bodhipaksa wrote Vegetarianism: Living a Buddhist life series, which I'm sure to read in the near future. My apologies for mispelling his name in the past in my blog.

A Survey of Buddhism

Jayarava has an essay on A Survey Of Buddhism, available at Windhorse. I just finished the momentus first chapter. I'll also be reading Cittipala's essay.

There's also transcrips from seminars.

On p. 179 of my edition, Bante mentions an essay on the 5 Hinderances. I found it on line at: The Five Mental Hinderances and their conquest.

The NY Times has an article on retreat centers.

Unfortunately it doesn't mention Aryaloka which has a healthy retreat schedule.

Jayarava writes, "I've got my blog aggregator into beta release - previews at http://fwbo-news.net/grapevine/"

read books mp3

The following books are read in mp3 format, downloadable: The Rainbow Road, Wisdom Beyond Words, Tales of Freedom, * The three jewels, Inconceivable Emancipation, Drama of Cosmic Enlightenment (so far, as of this date). I rejoice in Dharmachari Subhadra's merit!


With less hoopla, the first Buddhist member of congress was sworn in.


My meditation schedule I'm going to try and stick to:

Monday: Morning: 60 minutes Metta. Lunch: 40 minutes 6 Element.

Tuesday: Morning: 60 minutes compassion. Lunch: 40 minutes 6 Element. Sangha: MOB or Metta.

Wednesday: Morning: 60 minutes sympathetic joy. Lunch: 40 minutes 6 Elements.

Thursday: Morning: 60 minutes equanimity. Lunch: 40 minutes 6 Elements.

Friday: Morning: 60 Minutes Mindfulness of Breathing. Lunch: 40 minutes metta.

Saturday: Morning: 60 minutes Mindfulness of breathing. Mitras: 30 minutes MOB or Metta.

Sunday: Morning: 60 minutes Mindfulness of breathing.

Breakneck Ridge

Breakneck Ridge_2007_07.jpg
Originally uploaded by oswharton.

Vajramati, Alyssa, Seth, Storm King, Hudson River, POW/MIA flag.

Breakneck Ridge

Breakneck Ridge_2007_25.jpg
Originally uploaded by oswharton.

Me, under a pine, over the Hudson.

Breakneck Ridge

Breakneck Ridge_2007_24.jpg
Originally uploaded by oswharton.

Overlooking Mt. Taurus: Vajramati, Seth, Steve and Alyssa.

Breakneck Ridge_2007_38.jpg

Breakneck Ridge_2007_38.jpg
Originally uploaded by oswharton.

Steve, Alyssa and Vajramati coming down Breakneck Ridge

Photo of me

steve-1206-s
Originally uploaded by sravacitta.

Here I am Dec. 22nd, over the Hudson River, on my way up Mt. Taurus in the Hudson Highlands. Photo taken by Vajramati.

PICT0003_3

PICT0003_3
Originally uploaded by vajramati.

Steve, Seth and Alyssa

PICT0007

PICT0007
Originally uploaded by vajramati.

Seth, Alyssa and Steve

Mitra Hike!

We had our first mitra hike. We'd talked about it, and Seth and Alyssa are outdoorsy people. I picked everyone up and we drove to Breakneck Ridge. The conversations during hiking I think always are interesting, I think there are thoughts you might not have if you don't hike. I certainly benefit from my association with Vajramati, Alyssa and Seth, and being in nature. Driving back we listened to a wonderful dharma talk on buddhism and death. I think it's safe to say, a fun time was had by all. I want to try and make this a quarterly event.

I went to Trebor's wonderful party the night before.

Dhammarati's blog references a fascinating article by Vishvapani about growing pains of the FWBO.

NVC and Timers

Compassionate or Non-Violent communication can give you some more tools to fulfill the ideal of the speech precepts.

Our NYC-FWBO web site, now has a meditation timer page.

Quitting Coffee

A Survey Of Buddhism, published by Windhorse Publishing, will turn 50 in 2007. I've begun my second reading of it.

If I were on a desert island, and could only take one secondary material book, I would take Survey of Buddhism. I think if I had 5 books, I would take the Middle Length Discourses, The Dhammapada, A Survey of Buddhism for sure. The other two would be difficult to choose, I'd like to take a Mahayana sutras, maybe the Bodhicaryavatara, and Ten Thousand Songs of Milarepa.

Through meditation, I've decided to quit coffee tomorrow. I've weaned myself down to 1 cup in the morning. With the use of wikihow, I looked up how to quit caffeine, and I've read that and girded myself for tomorrow.

News/opinion/retreat/travel

Ambedkar's death anniversary set off more activity in India, read all about it in the FWBO/TBMSG News.

An op-ed article in the NY Times suggests we should rebuild Nalanda.

I really wish I was going on a retreat at Aryaloka over Xmas. The NY Times has an article on retreats around the NYC area.

There's an article about traveling in Tibet in the travel section.

Sad Messages

Messages from people who died in 9/11 left on voice mail and answering machines:

"Honey. Something terrible is happening. I don't think I'm going to make it. I love you. Take care of the children."

"Hey, Jules. It's Brian. I'm on the plane and it's hijacked and it doesn't look good. I just wanted to let you know that I love you, and I hope to see you again. If I don't, please have fun in life, and live life the best you can. Know that I love you, and no matter what, I'll see you again."

"Mommy. The building is on fire. There's smoke coming through the walls. I can't breathe. I love you, Mommy. Good-bye."

"I love you a thousand times over and over. I love and need whatever decisions you make in your lives. I need you to be happy, and I will respect any decisions you make."

Excellent Blog

The atrocities in India against the Dalit community are reported in an excellent blog.

There's a wonderful new Buddhism and vegetarianism web site called Shabkar.org.

It's not dharma, but Jon Stewarts commencement speech is one of the funniest things I've read in a while.

I've greatly enjoyed Subhuti with Subhamati's book called Buddhism and Frindship, available at Windhorse. I am currently enjoying very much Sangharakshita's The Yogi's Joy.

a spiritual interpretation

I know Alison Krauss' song Maybe probably is about worldy romance, but the lines, "Tell me that I'm smart enough to deal with all the information/Spinning inside my head" could be a bit of a Buddhist teaching about our ability to truly see reality. Tagore's Gitanjali is not about worldy romance, it's about his love for God. Well, Buddhism is non-theistic, but it's inspired me to give a spiritual interpretation to the song Maybe. He in the song is the Buddha, and flying the coop, is about our mental habit of losing and not accepting the wisdom of the dharma. I suppose when you feel deeply into the dharma, everything is dharma. I'm not making any claims about my spiritual depth, I'm just talking about my ideals and hopeful focus.

BNN leads in conversion converage

I find the Buddhist News Network web site the most informative about what is going on in India. A recent article estimates that 2.5 million people have converted to Buddhism in India since Ambedkar's conversion 50 years ago.

The prison retreat was very good. I got to develop my friendship with Vajramati on the drive up and back, and in the inbetween times. Spending time with all those who participate was great. Of course the prisoners were interesting too, though I, out of propriety, didn't ask the question most on my mind--why were they there? It's a strong sangha in Concord. Bodhipoksha gave a good talk.

Singing The Diamond Sutra in English

Here's a site that sings the Diamond Sutra in English.

misc

An interesting map is about the spread and territory of Mahayana and Teravadan schools of buddhism.

I continue to enjoy Dhammarati's blog, he's got some interesting posts, including a summary of a discussion with Bante.

We've been studying the five spiritual faculties on sangha night.

In mitra study we're studying Know Your Mind by Sangharakashita, published by Windhorse. On my own I'm reading Bante's The Eternal Legacy. I've been feeling a little scattered in my studies, I wonder if I should just focus on one area. I listen to lovely free talks from Dharmachakra. And I suplament my reading by getting sutras off the web, by going to the Wikipedia article on the Diamond Sutra, for instance,and then priting out one of the free versions. I recently printed out the latest Chan Magazine.

There's a translation from the Chinese of the chapter in the Lankavatara Sutra about not eating meat. Also the Avatamsaka Sutra. I've discovered these looking up what is available on line reading The Eternal Legacy.

Bloggers and mass conversion

One blogger covers the mass conversion. But my hitherto favorite blogger is actually in India, and hasn't mentioned it at all. BNN, which collects articles on Buddhism into their web site, has had the best coverage and commentary on the 50th Anniversary of the mass conversion to Buddhism. Of course there are the special blogs previously linked, and Vishvapani has recently been on night radio in New Zealand.

Sign Me Up!

The next ordination retreat for me has been set! There a nice picture of some of the North American GFR mitras. That's me to the left of the Buddha, standing up.

A friend says that the weekend retreat I was just on led by Nagabodhi was very influenced by Breathworks.

I'd better stop writing here, and work on my monthly reporting in to the community of men who have asked for ordination in the FWBO.

I quite like the poems of Jane Kenyon. The poem linked has a sense of pratitya samutpada.

Retreat

I went up to Aryaloka with Alyssa. Also from NYC were Sita, Faye, and Andrew. Poor Trebor was snowed in, in Buffalo. Nagabodhi led the retreat, plus Amala and Khemavassika were there. It was a lovely retreat. I love it on so many levels: The people, the meditation, dharma talks, puja, nature, and even the food is lovely.

I think I've been to about 20 retreats up in Aryaloka over the past 4 years, but I never get enough of it, I cling to the experience, want more than life is giving me. It's hard to really describe what goes on, but threw being with other Buddhists, and being in the retreat atmosphere, you really feel something happening deep inside, even on a short weekend retreat.

Driving home we added in Andrew who works for Tricycle, writing an excellent blog, and is very much into Reginal Ray and has enjoyed many of his retreats.

Meanwhile in London England, the venerable Sangharakshita made a speech at the London Buddhist Center

Mass Conversion

As BNN reports, there is to be mass conversion on the 50th Anniversary of Ambedkar's origional conversion (I've lost the aritcle for now). I find this wonderful news. BNN also has some further analsyis.

Psychology Today Magazine

For me meditation is more than just an efficiency enhancer. But...

Psychology Today Magazine trumpets meditation!

Upcoming Anniversary of Ambedkar

As reported on the TBMSG/FWBO web site, Oct. 14th is the 50th anniversary of the conversion of Ambekdar to Buddhism. A special blog has been created to chronical the events and celebrations.

Elvis Costello

I was watching VH1 Classic, and they had a concert with Elvis Costello. His song What's So Funny About Peace Love and Understanding still gives me goose bumps. I think it's connected to the boddhisattva idea. Here are the lyrics:

As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin’ for light in the darkness of insanity.

I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred and misery?

And each time I feel like this inside,
There’s one thing I wanna know:
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?

And as I walked on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

’Cause each time I feel it slippin’ away, just makes me wanna cry.
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?

So where are the strong?
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

’Cause each time I feel it slippin’ away, just makes me wanna cry.
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?

Study NYC

http://www.tibethouse.org/directory/buddhist.html

We don't have a FWBO link here, but we do mitra study.

Also, there is a new Pali Cannon site.

Mind Book of the Year in the UK

As reported on FWBO/TBMSG News, Valerie Mason-John, or as we know her in the WBO Vimalasara, has won a literary award for her autobiographical novel Borrowed Body. This is a wonderful book. I didn't meet her when she was in New York City promoting it, but I had some friends get an autographed copy. I read the book and loved it. It's an excellent book, go out and get it, or order!

Bill Moyers and Pema Chodron

Bill Moyers and Pema Chodron have a good discussion on PBS

I caught some of this while trying to feed my two infants, and what I saw was quite good. I'm very interested in her notion of Shenpa. Quite interesting.

A fellow blogger gives a review of the show.

More Free Podcasts

Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe has 16 free podcasts, many Stephen Batchelor.

They're doing some good work in a prison in Concord New Hampshire, up at Aryaloka.

Clear Vision is an important right livelihood business, providing educational material for schools, and other DVDs and media.

dhammarati

dhammarati

The above is Dhammarati's blog. He led the last retreat I was on, I think he's awsome. I'm in the process of reading what so far are sad stories of complicated loss, in his blog from the beginning of the year.

I had a lovely retreat at Aryaloka. The retreat was the height of harmony, I had deep meditations, I continue to go deeper into the dharma, and the fellowship and communion with others was wonderful.

I'm posting monthly to Jalaka, so much of my writing energy about going for refuge has gone there.

Private Mediation Lessons In NYC

A good friend is offering private meditation lessons.

http://www.meditationnewyork.com/

Free Dharma

FWBO

There are some free books at the following site, which is Sangharakshita's site. There was a new book last time I checked so, I won't even begin to list them, but I'll note that it's not just Sangharakshita's work, there's also a book by Nagabodhi last time I checked.

For mp3 files, check out Dharmachakra. They too are very much in the process of change, and are making more and more available free. I bought the complete talks (now it's incomplete since he's made some more) of Sangharakshita in my own personal effort for them to make enough money to begin to make it all free. Buy a CD, and speed the organization to making more and more free.

I'm going to post this thus far, but there's more work to be done on it, come back to see more links.

Non FWBO

There is a large collection of the ancient writings. One is here. One is here.

The Tricycle podcast archives is pretty good.

Change Your Mind Day

We met for lunch at a cool place Seth picked out. Change Your Mind Day did end up going to the alternate location, which was the Pure Land Buddhist Church on Riverside Drive, in the 90's. There was dancing and talks, with short meditation. This is my 3 great NYC sangha event, and it was once again interesting in seeing all kinds of people, and seeing the different ways people practice. Laurie Anderson told some stories, which was cool, and there were talks. The Buddhist dances were pretty cool too. Vajramati, Trebor, Alyssa and I went for coffee after we'd had enough, and that was fun to.

Manjusvara

Manjusvara visited New York City, and he lead sangha night, and on Saturday he had a workshop. I will be buying his book, if you're in the U.S.A. you can order it off the FWBO-NYC web site. And there's more information about the workshops at Wolf At The Door. I highly recommend the book if you want to have fun writing with imaginative exercises, with lessons on yourself and mindfulness.

Vessak Day

Vessak Day celebration was interesting in the same way as the charnel ground meditations; I felt the larger NYC sangha. This was more so, with a procession for a few blocks with what I learned was the Buddhist flag—five vertical stripes and 5 horizontal. Vajramati says it can be any color. I imagined a Rothko one, with 5 different kinds of black. At one point someone said, “hurry hurry,” to get us all across the street. Someone not associated with the procession said, “slower, slower.” I said, “a perfection of wisdom teaching!”

Inside the Shambhala center, I had the misfortune to sit behind a pillar and not see much. It focused on including the three traditions, Theravada, Mahayana and Vajrayana with initial chanting and whatnot. There was a play by some children of Sri Lankan heritage from the Theravadan vihara in Staten Island. One of our sangha members had to leave when he hear, “now part 5.” It had many more parts than that. Later the kids came out and sang, which was not on the program. I thought it was cute the way the mothers coached them from the audience to sing louder or move. I liked the talk by a Korean woman who spends 6 weeks in a cave twice a year, except she was anti-therapy.

The event was organized by the Buddhist Counsel of New York City, and it was the 21st such Vessak Day celebration in New York City. I’ve never experienced a FWBO celebration. While I felt there was much ethnic stuff, I felt that above that, there was a similar commitment. One of my coworkers who is Orthodox Jewish said she’d like to confess to me her “unskillfullness”, when I was talking about Buddhist confession and ethics, but I told her that I was not sure we held the same ideals. No matter how different and foreign everyone looked or acted on Vessak day, I felt a kind of kinship that gladdened me.

So these two events have given me a sense of the greater NYC sangha. Not sure if I have to do it again, I won’t disrupt the family to do so, but I do enjoy these events. I imagine my conflict with family and sangha events would be heightened if I lived near a thriving center.

Welwood

I particularly like the therapist/buddhist writers. Jack Kornfield and Sylvia Boorsteen don't so much address it, but they are also trained clinical psychologists. Mark Epstein in a psychiatrist, and he addresses both more specifically. But my favorite of them all is John Welwood, at the moment at least, based on my finally getting towards the end of his excellent book Toward A Psychology of Awakening. His discussion of the way that psychotherapy and meditation can compliment each other is very good. He articulates "spiritual bypassism" in which you use the teachings to reinforce your personal dynamics instead of improving on them. I've found it a useful work.

Andrew has had an intense retreat experience, sympathetic joy to him. Reginald Ray has his own Wikipedia entry, he led the retreat: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reginald_Ray

I was kind of bummed to say I'll miss some of the next Saturday mitra meetings because of my wife's pressing paper deadlines and the need for me to watch the boys. I look forward to returning to sangha night soon.

Charnal Ground Meditation

I saw the bodies exhibit: http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/

Which was sponsored by http://www.tricycle.com/

The following people were supposed to speak:
Roshi Enkyo OÂ’Hara will teach on the preciousness of this human existence
Bhante Kondanna will teach on the transience of life
Reverend T. K. Nakagaki will offer Pure Land chants and prayers

but since Bhante H. Gunaratana was there, Bhante Kondanna did not speak,and he was by far the most famous buddhist leader there.

It was good to see sangha and we had coffee afterwards. An illustrious Scottish female ordermemberr was in town, and another one from Aryaloka. Seth pointed out her name was mention on the free lecture by Dhammarati at http://www.dharmachakra.com/. I don't want to try and spell her name. Anyway she is lovely and it was so good to get together with everyone.

Human flesh looks like chicken. I've always been an intellectual vegetarian, I never reacted viscerally to dead animals, etc. But for the first time, I felt that human flesh was like chicken, and that while I've stopped eating meat, I really am less likely to take it up after this exhibit.

I really liked The Meatrix but you can go on and on about the argument. Until I felt it is wrong, I did not stay a vegetarian for long.

May all be happy, may all be well.

billboard

http://www.fwbo-nyc.org/index.php

three fetters

I had a lovely retreat on the 3 fetters: if you break them, then you become a stream entrant, and never worry about the gravitational pull of the dharma, you will eventually become a buddha. The retreat begins in the drive up. I enjoyed the company, nature, vegetarian fare (I've finally gotten the discipline to become a vegetarian), meditation, puja. I got a cold, and was sneezing in the shrine room, I worried about interrupting other's meditation. Dino drove back with us, and taught us a new route.

Check out the timer for meditation:

www.berkeleymonastery.org

Benches

I got a deluxe bench from Windmind today. It's pretty good, but I can imagine a non-portable model that would be more stable. The legs come out from the middle, which is handy when you fold them up, but not so much for balance. It has adjustable legs, which is what I like. Check it out at: http://www.wildmind.org/

My first bench, which I ordered online from I don't know where, I gave to Alyssa, because she's so wonderful. My second bench I got at Aryaloka, made by Bill, and it's my sturdy backup, not sure what to do with it now. Maybe I'll give it to the sangha or maybe I'll take it to work. I also got a cushion which I sometimes use. That's in the car right now. Then I got the cheapest bench I could to leave at Virginia's but we're not there much any more. So I left it at the sangha night space in Soho. And now this deluxe one!

Lokabhandu!

Lokabhandu is in town, and he's an amazing guy. He's just been on a whirlwind tour of FWBO centers around the world. He went on a retreat in India with 3,500 people. That must have been one awesome puja! I wish him well in his travels and in his new post for the F/WBO/TBMSG. I had a lovely evening with him and Vajramati. I appreciate Lokabhandu taking my peppering him with questions well.

But to my horror and a slight chill, I see my blog listed on the FWBO blogspot: http://www.fwbo.blogspot.com/. Yikes and egads. A very public note pad! I suppose that's what I hoped, but I guess I'd given up on the idea. I'll have to be more conscious when I write here.

Vajramati gave me Buddhist Saints In India by Reginald Ray. That's my next book to read.

Hundred Verses

I'm trying to increase my time meditating. I went for 50 minutes this morning.

I've greatly enjoyed The Hundred Verses of Advice. Quite inspiring. I've been reading Batchelor's The Awakening of the West. History is sort of secondary, but important anyway. One book triggers more books, there's so much to read, and I love reading, but for me reading is all about motivation about meditating. Meditate meditate meditate!

I continue to listen to free podcasts of the dharma, and enjoy reading the Jalaka reporting in of other GFR mitras.

When Eric goes, William is back into his room, and Andrew begins to go from cradle to crib, and perhaps I can meditate in front of my shrine and not be a nomad in my own house. I enjoy chanting the refuges and precepts from my recently acquired puja book.

We're reconnecting this Saturday with the mitras after 3 weeks. I look forward to it.

father's haiku on a photo of buddha i took

http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f133/zaneparks/buddha.jpg

I took the photo on retreat at Aryaloka. It was a wonderful retreat about going to the Buddha for refuge, with Vidhuma leading it.

Nagarjuna’s Mulamadhyamakakarika

http://www.stephenbatchelor.org/verses2.htm#Investigation%20of%20Conditions

33. Peak Experiences

Andrew has been getting good readings for us. We talked about peak meditation experiences. I had a really good meditation last night. I'm clinging to it, I want to reproduce it.

I rejoice is Seth's merit. He's seared out a cheap room to rent for mitra study so the Brooklyn people don't have such a long ride to attend. We've been alternating from Alyssa's in Bay Ridge, to Seth's in Astoria. That might be a problem for me, with my car, but I'm going to attend no matter what, no matter where, except when family demands me not to go. Seth's act is a wonderful act of inclusion and trying to meet everyone's needs.

Seth has also lent me some tapes: What the buddha felt. And he lent me a Thurman DVD.

I've been reading What Is The Sangha? and Pema Chodron's Comfortable With Uncertainty, which turns out is just a collection from her other stuff. I was reading that at lunch because it's one of the books in my car, and I stopped in a park to eat lunch and be away from the orifice.

I've been spinning all kinds of fantasies about retreats. I need to think some more to figure out my schedule till the GFR week in July that should be the highlight of my retreat year.

Carol sent me a book from Windmind, very kind of her.

32. Vimalakirti-nirdesa

Simon is back with sangha night, and we had some visitors from out of town. I've decided to begin posting to the male ordination newsletter on the Jalaka web site. Couldn't finish my meditation this morning, so exhausted, sick feeling. But over all my meditation has been more steady and regular. I started reading What is the Sangha?

I found Thurman's translation of the Vimalakirti-nirdesa at: http://www.buddhistinformation.com/ida_b_wells_memorial_sutra_library/vimalakirti_nirdesa_sutra.htm

I've been studying it on my own, listening to lectures, reading S's book. The mitras are studying the heart sutra. Sangha night we're studying the four foundations of right mindfulness.

31. www.buddhistrecovery.com

I'm not usually in the business of plugging others web sites, mostly because I fear nobody reads this blog. But I met Paul yesterday and he's a wonderful fellow. I consider him a new friend from down under, and he has a wonderful web site, which he pays for, and does quite a lot of work for, reading books on buddhism and recovery from substance abuse. If you buy a book through his web site, you might perhaps support his web site. He hopes to make it self sufficient at some point. I see this as a wonderful and useful example of doing something for other people, that helps one's own practice. Paul reports he went to a book store on recovery, and they only had 2 of the 25 books he's reviewed. The book store owner will hence forth use his web site to help create a buddhism and recovery section. Sadhu to Paul and his web partner!

http://www.buddhistrecovery.com/

30. Dream

I had my first Sangharakshita dream. I dreamt I was studying with Nagabodhi and him. Then we were all having a study break, and it was more of the sangha, Vajramati was there. Then we were touring the area, giving Sangharakshita a tour. For some reason the tour led to the NYU library, Bobst. I was going to show him where his books were (not really where they were in the library, but some other made up dream space). And they were moving his book. Sangharakshita had an idea, and he wanted to look up his book that began with the title "Knowledge..." and I went off to try and find it. But they were moving too much stuff. Sangharakshita found this old "European" space invaders game, and said, "I'm really good at this," and began playing. But there was also a Moo aspect to the game, and Sangharakshita said, "I wrote a part there, attributed to an Oxford team." I was wondering if they should try to publish that, and I saw him giving information to an old girlfriend on how to get some kind of information about selling her art. And I saw his handwriting, and I thought, "I wish I had a note from Sangharakshita."

29. Kamalashila

We were graced with the presence of Kamalashila last night. We had a meditation and a question and answer period. He seems like a wonderful guy. I wish I could go on his month long Total immersion retreat next summer. Subadasi (sp?) came along too. Sita was so kind to host the event, even after she sprained her ankle. It was a wonderful evening.

25. The Four Acceptances

With loyalty to my teachers I accept this ordination.

In harmony with friends and brethren I accept this ordination.

For the attainment of enlightenment I accept this ordination.

For the benefit of all beings I accept this ordination.


This was the theme of the last GFR retreat which I got to participate for the weekend. These acceptances repeated in the ordination ceremony.

I met Dhammarati, president of the preceptors college. Naghabodhi gave a good talk on the first acceptance. I missed the other lectures. Vajramati reports at the end of the retreat, the mitras were getting up at 4:30 to meditate. I got a lot of benefit out of the weekend. I hope to go on the week GFR retreat before the N. American order convention in June.

28. Nagabhodi

We had a visit by Nagabhodi this week. I had dinner with him, and then we went to sangha night. He gave a good teaching. Very inspirational.

27. Historical Buddha

The Historical Buddha by H.W. Schumann was very interesting to me. The historical buddha is important to me, in that it highlights, what the spiritual and metaphorical Buddha means to me. I am not afraid of being disillusioned about the real buddha. I was. He was a sexist, classist, prejudiced imperfect human being. But he achieved a transcendent state, and as they say, "sundered the bonds that caused him suffering." Thus he is a spiritual hero of mine. Tradition holds that he was the first to enlightenment. That is my goal.

It's quite amazing what we know about this fellow who lived 2,500 years ago. Dates are interesting. BC and AD are Christian concoctions. To secularize it, people write B.C.E. and A.D.E., but it is still in reference to Christ. I saw the Jewish faith just recently celebrated the year 5766. I think if you begin time from the time of the Buddha's enlightenment, then the year is 2533. Of if we base it when the Buddha was born, the year is 2568.

Henceforth, I see it as the year 2533. I will conform to the usual date for work, banking and other transactions, but I see it as the year 2533.

The Buddha was sexist from my world view, my time, my country of origin, my intellectual heritage and experiences. I believe women are equal. The Buddha essentially said so when he said women could become arhants, but not enlightened.

The buddhist was classist in that he humiliated the uneducated lower caste order members when the made theoretical dharma mistakes.

He was prejudiced in that he didn't allow people with leprosy, boils, eszema, tuberculosis or epilepsy join the order. In his defense, some people tried to join the order because of free medical services provided by some supporters. He was also ageist, he was reluctant to ordain older members.

He left his son, when he was born. The writer suggests possibly that as a condition of leaving and leading the homeless life of a samana, he got permission by producing a heir. Plus he was not enlightened yet. Anyway, which is better to be enlightened or a good father. In his circumstances, that was his choice. My hope is that that is not my choice.

But these things place him in his time, human foibles. He is human, not omniscient. He rose above his time in an important way that is unimaginable now with our distractions, materialism and worldly ambition.

I learned the first ones to hear the Buddha teach the dharma, were merchants, who were wandering by when he came out of his meditations. There was geography, social context, competing teachers and personalities. I found this book very interesting, and I quite enjoyed it.

It gave a historical narrative, until the history goes weak, and then Schumann shifts to the dharma, and other general considerations of the time. I wasn't so interested in the dharma part, as history. I liked his examination of the rules, the sangha, looking at the Buddha psychologically.

It's hard to report on all the book gave, it gave a lot. I've always wanted to learn more about the context in which the Buddha came up with his ideas. To see what is cultural, and what is really dharma. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed, so I'll end. Read the book.

27. Rough draft

I'm sick of working on this. I don't think anyone reads this blog. But none the less, here is an essay on fatherhood and buddhism.

Buddhist Fatherhood: The first year and a half

“Progress in the Buddha's teaching is always made by individual, as such, whether bhikshus or lay people. The conditions for either may be different, but, as we have seen, significant spiritual progress - including the realization of high levels of Insight-has been made by very many people who have had the responsibilities of family life. They have not treated this as an obstacle. Fundamentally, the Buddha's teaching tries to reach the hearts of those who will listen, wherever and in whatever circumstances they may in.” from Lay Life and the Buddhist Tradition by Hridaya

Everyone's circumstances are different, though if you want to see similarities you can see that instead. My circumstances are that my wife is Catholic, and I am a Buddhist. We have one child, after trying for one for a many years. I was 36 when we had our child, which a new book reports as good, because children of parents over 30 supposedly do better in school. Good thing we didn't succeed earlier, according to that fact.

We went for infertility treatment. Like all medical situations, with many options, the least invasive is tried first. My wife went on Clomid, a fertility enhancing drug. They checked out my sperm. They were fine, athletic and plentiful, with the requisite percentage of healthy ones.

It turns out even the supposedly monogamous humans have killer sperm just in case someone got there just before you. Humans are midway between the really monogamous primates, and promiscuous primates.

The next step is to implant “washed” sperm directly onto the eggs, when my wife is ovulating. We tried that once and it worked! The plan was to try that 3 times, before moving up to the next level: in vitro fertilization. We never got that far, I feel rather lucky to be spared that.

Our son was born April 14th 2004 at Long Island Jewish Hospital by C-section. My wife did not dilate enough, and began to get a fever. There was micomium in the placenta, and our son was taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) where the huge fellow was surrounded by his less fortunate premature and small peers. It was a rather trying time to have my son in the NICU, but he came out OK and has thrived since birth. I grew from that ordeal.

More circumstances: I was finishing up my masters in social work. When my wife was done with her maternity leave, I was unemployed, and thus took care of my son. My wife got the summer off, because she is a teacher, and for many days he had us both around. I had 6.5 months with my son before I went back to work, for which I will be eternally greatfull.

While in Italy 90% of nursery school is subsidized by the government, in America only 10% is subsidized by the government. I luckily married an Ecuadorian woman who's mother offered to baby sit my son William. She works in the evening cleaning offices, and had the daytime to watch him. Childcare was taken care of, and I did not have to set up a nanny camera, and watch it each night in dread for the horrible footage that is sometimes shown on TV. We have a large supportive extended family.

Up to childbirth, I meditated every morning for 2 years, for 40 minutes, minimally. I went on retreats, I attended sangha and mitra gatherings. I decided I wanted to deepen my practice by going for refuge in an effort to seek ordination with the F/WBO.

When William came along, everything went, for a while. No more running, yoga, meditation, reading. I often have trouble brushing my teeth or going to the bathroom, though it's gotten a little easier, as I have adjusted, and learned to get ready in the morning with a toddler, for work.

I have tried to get up early in the morning to meditate. Sometimes it works. My son had irregular sleeping patters, and sleeps enough in the day not to require the amount of sleep I need at night. I've read that children adjust their sleeping patters to spend more time with their parents.

I laugh when I read in Jae Woong Kim's book Polishing The Diamond about his teacher Baek Sung Wook breaking his “dependence on sleep”. At times the book has a mythical quality to it, which my sometimes rationalist mind balks at. I don't see myself breaking my attachment to sleep any time soon. I have meditated after getting up in the night to feed my son. One sutra describes the enlightened man as not drowsy. More evidence that I'm not enlightened. And yet I still want to bridge the gap between me the Buddha.

I've delineated 64 different kinds of tiredness (really 8 in their combinations). Work and parenthood do not go together very well, forget adding on energetically seeking refuge. I've lost my buffer. When I was a teacher, and I was especially tuckered out, I would just go to bed early. Not possible with a child. The demands of children are great, especially in the early years before they have language.

My wife is a sleep camel, she stores sleep in her hump on the weekends. I'm not sure how she does it. She's more of a binger, getting it when she can, accepting it when she can't. I'm more the slow and steady wins the race type. I need my recommended daily allowance of sleep. Every once in a while my wife has a bit of a break down, cries and takes a 4 hour nap. Tired and steady is there to pick up the very infrequent slack.

Sleepiness and meditation don't mix. I have gone in patches of meditating regularly, but my meditation practice is spotty often. I don't go on weekend retreats with quite the store of meditation I once had. Now I know what it's like for those people who don't meditate regularly and go on retreat, I have more sympathy for that.

My reading is down. I've always trying to shift away from reading so much Dharma. I read in absence of sangha and out of exhaustion and inertia not to meditate. I have missed opportunities to meditate.

I've tried to compensate in other ways. Chanting mantras while driving to work. Falling asleep to Sangharakshita lectures, which Naghabodhi jokingly says is joining a long lineage of dharma practitioners in the F/WBO. I put up posters of Manjushiri and Green Tara in the living room, and photos of the 8 manifestations of Padmasambhava in the kitchen. In my office I have Buddha, Prajnaparamita and Padmasambhava. I try to keep the ideals vivid and present to me as much as possible.

The Metta Sutra has come to mean more to me, as my love for my son has opened up depths of love in me. In my metta meditation I flesh out the neutral and person in discord, at times with the thought, “they have a mother and a father.” I realized that during the naming ceremony, where Vajramati gave William the Buddhist name of Jyoti, meaning light or flame. I called him “sparky” when he was in the womb, and his flame has burned brightly ever since. Srimati says similar things in her essay on the FWBO web site

Naghabodhi asked me, how has being a parent effected my practice. Having that question in my mind has been helpful to help me to see it that way. I've always wished for more pure circumstances to “practice” but I've become aware that this desire for purity or exoticism is a red herring. “Right here, right now” is a kind of a Buddhist motto. Don't imagine the gold pot of perfect conditions over the rainbow.

I'm not sure if it's my blinkered existence or what, but I live more in the moment. Part of it is mindfulness, living in the moment. When I became a teacher, I realized I had a lot of issues to work on. And when I became a therapist, I realized I have lots of issues to work on. Same too, with being a parent. It stirs up a lot, including thoughts of mortality, ironically, with the cycle of life so present. It challenges me, calls me to the higher evolution.

It puts great stress on a marriage at times. In some ways I feel abandoned by my wife, at times, as she feels abandoned by me.

I read Srimala's book Breaking Free: Glimpses of a Buddhist Life with the hopes of finding out how a woman taking care of 2 children found the time to meditate. I suppose it was a fools errand, because she does not discuss the difficulty. Perhaps even more foolish is the idea that you could read a book to find out how to find the time to meditate.

One thing parenthood has given me is an appreciation of meditation. It can really make a big difference in how I approach my day, how I handle stress, how I interpret challenges.

A friend of mine expressed the fear that not having children was a sign of immaturity. At the time I reassured him that that was hogwash. My sangha friends are the most attuned to and open to my son, they seem more mature than everyone else, even other parents.

As Sangharakshita says in his lecture to parents, “you are up against it.” When there is only time for 1 of the 5 things that you usually do, you learn to prioritize. Parenthood is one good way of breaking my clinging to pleasurable and relaxing activities.

Seeing another human being develop is a very interesting and rewarding process. There are a million little experiences that I have felt to be good for me. But I would not say it was more necessary to be a human being than anything else.

My female sangha friends have rid me of the delusion that all women want to have children. Padmasuri touches on her debate briefly in her wonderful book but little dust.

Fatherhood has certainly slowed down my attending retreats and doing sits, which has slowed down my ordination process, if you see it as a punch the ticket, follow other's instructions point of view. Like all things, there are pluses and minuses, and in many ways my practice has deepened as a parent. It has helped my practice, though not obviously so at times. As a year and a half of fatherhood has come and went, I have a new confidence that I can handle the problems life throws me.

Exoticism appeals to me. Could I move quicker towards enlightenment if I meditated under the Bodhi tree in India? If I went to England to live in a community and work in a right livelihood business? I'm certain that would speed my “development”, but I have responsibilities. Each path is different. The FWBO does not require it's ordained members to leave their family, like the Buddha did, under very different circumstances.

The Buddha left his child to go find enlightenment. In the modern nuclear family that would create more harm that it did in the past when families were more connected. I read in Sid Brown's excellent book The Journey of One Buddhist Nun: Even Against the Wind about a woman who's father left her family in dire times to pursue the spiritual life. I don't want to harm anyone by going for refuge. I know the wages of losing a parent, my father left my mother when I was young, and it had a very profoundly negative effect on me.

Schumann suggests that the Buddha could have actually talked about taking up the homeless life, to go on his search, with his parents. That he left the day is son Rahula was born, because that was their condition of letting him go. The Buddha had an arrainged marriage, and in the end, the only way he could escape the life he did not choose, was to have a son, to ensure the line could be passed onto his son. Perhaps having a son freed him from being an heir.

These are very different circumstances than mine. My wife and I had been trying to have children, because we wanted them. To nurture, to share the joys and sorrows of a child. To try and do what we see done poorly as teachers. In a world where often people decide not to have children, because it would interfere with their lifestyle, we chose this non-materialistic path. To be sure, you can view your children materialistically, just like you can the spiritual life. For me children are part of the spiritual journey. It connects to my history of compassion, my desire to enlarge my ability to see and alleviate suffering.

I'm lucky that my wife supports me in my spiritual pursuits even though they are not hers exactly. She doesn't undermine me, she tells me to meditate more than I do, and while I sometimes use her as an excuse when I don't want to meet up with the sangha, because I'm tired, she really isn't the excuse. I must take responsibility. Sometimes I am tired, sometimes I don't always do the things that are best for me. The ethical edge can be seen all around me.

After years of trying to conceive, a second child turned out to be easy. On September 23rd at 5:54pm, my second son was born.

In the TBMSG/F/WBO lifestyle is secondary, commitment is primary. I don't have to cut my hair or debate which shoulder to wear my robe over.

To conclude I would like to make a sweeping generalization about the ease at which children help you with the spiritual life. I think it's easier to disprove the extremes.

While fatherhood has most assuredly made it more difficult to meditate, in the short term, I would not necessarily assume that means I have not grown spiritually. In fact, I would say I have developed a spiritual urgency that I might not otherwise have developed. I envy my peers who can go home to an empty home and meditate all night, all day on the weekends. To my mind, they do not take advantage of their opportunity. Yet, neither did I when I didn't have children.

Additionally, fatherhood is just one of many challenges in our society, that take us away from meditation, sangha. I have to admit that I have continued my dharma study, that is the easiest for me to keep up. There are small moments when I can read some, and at work. And I honestly haven't take the opportunities to meditate like I would. My point is Milarepa had to build a tower and tear it down. The Buddha had to leave his family. Everyone goes through spirtual trials and conflicts. It's all part of the journey. I have chosen parenthood.

I can not say that fatherhood has energized or transformed my spiritual life. I feel like it was a necessary step for me. I have no regrets. And I keep open the question, “How has fatherhood helped me go for refuge?” By asking that question I create my reality. So in that sense, fatherhood is a self fulfilling prophecy for me, it will improve my going for refuge.

Also, the Boddhisattva ideal, the vow I hope to take when I get ordained, makes me know deepening my commitment to the refuges is going to be messy. There's no neat clean easy way to enlightenment. It's not some spa weekend, not a series of steps, like putting a bike together. It's a struggle, an ordeal, and I welcome that. There are many other conditions to struggle against, if I want to be completely honest. I have many false refuges I could eliminate.

Turn it around the other way. I think Buddhism has helped me as a father immesurably. Charlotte Joko Beck reports meditating and having to come to grips with some of her unskillful behaviors as a mother. I'm not saying I don't have to come to grips with similar things, but at least I have the resource of meditation to help me through this difficult path. My whole being, my seeking refuge has informed my fatherhood, and tested it.

On September 23rd 2005, at 5:54 pm E.S.T, my second son was born. He is healthy and the mother is recovering well.


Sources

Cittapala's The Bodhisattva's Reply: An Explanation of the Western Buddhist Order, has informed my conceptions and language in this essay.

Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt reports on the fact that parents who are over 30 have children who do better in school.

How The Mind Works by Steven Pinker reports on the killer sperm.

Italy 90% subsidized and USA 10% is reported in a video called Childhood, shown on PBS.

The Historical Buddha by H.W. Schumann.

26. reporting in

Reporting in last night, was a very positive experience for me. But greater than that was to listen to everyone else report in. Quite a powerful activity. Jason reported he benefitted it greatly to me personally. Everyone is so wonderful, so amazing, so inspiring.

25. Borrowed Body

Borrowed Body by Valerie Mason-John (aka Queenie, aka Vimalasara) is a first novel by a WBO order member. This harrowing autobiographical novel traces her experiences in fosters homes, reuniting with her physically abusive mother, meeting her African half sister, a return to foster homes, and incarceration. It reminds me of City of One, Angela's Ashes, All Over But The Shoutin', The Glass Castle, and all those horrible childhood memoirs. Also The Painted Bird, a lovely miserable novel of abuse on children during World War 2.

Borrowed Body too becomes bewitching once you adjust your tolerance for observing suffering, another finely written book about personal suffering that will most likely not get the recognition is deserves because most people must avert their gaze.

Horrified anxiety is my mental muscle lactic acid. I try to increase my tolerance by watching horrible movie and reading these kinds of books. To transform suffering into understanding and empathy for others is a nobel quest to me. It is the goal of Avalokita to end all suffering, as preposterous and impossible as that may seem from a limited person. The psychotherapy group I lead has recently drifted into the topic of whether you can love your enemy, they are all Christians. I convert the thought into the boddhisattva idea, the aspiration of alleviating all the suffering. You try, that's the point.

I tried to drive my car like the Buddha. But it's just too hard. I have too many habits that involve harsh speech, unskillful thoughts. So I gave up, frustrated. My mental states got even worse when driving. So I have returned to my goal, but attempt to eliminate the frustration, because the impossible seeming goal is better than not having the goal. If you do not get discouraged, the goals of spirituality are helpful. At least it is so for me.

I recognize Vimalasara's suffering, and thank her for sharing it publicly in such a well written book.

Additionally as therapist, I define behaviors, defenses, coping skills, and appreciate the delicacy and the closeness in which she observes her own behavior. And the honesty. I can only guess at how accurate and close this was to the experience, because it's a novel and not a memoir. But it must be rooted deeply in her experience. This is my kind of novel. I highly recommend it.

24. Confession

A Confession

... whatever evil, cruel act was done by me previously, I will confess it all before the Buddhas. Whatever evil I have done by not attending to my parents, by neglecting the Buddhas, by neglecting the good; whatever evil I have done by being drunk with the intoxication of authority or with the intoxication of high birth or by being drunk with the intoxication of tender age; whatever evil I have done, bad thought, bad word, by an act badly done (or) by not perceiving a mishap; whatever evil I have done by the application of foolish reasoning, by a mind dark with ignorance, under the influence of an evil friend or by a mind distracted by impurities, under the compulsion of sport or enjoyment or through the influence of anxiety or anger, or enjoyment or through the fault of unsatisfied wealth; whatever evil I have done by my associations with ignoble people, by reason of envy and greed, or by the fault of guile or wretchedness; whatever evil I have done through failure to gain mastery over my desires by reason of fear at the time of approaching troubles; whatever evil I have done through the influence of a flighty mind or through the influence of passion and anger or through being oppressed by hunger and thirst; whatever evil I have done for the sake of drink and food, for the sake of clothing, for a reason involving women, through the various afflictions of impurities; whatever evil of body, tongue and mind, bad action accumulated in threefold manner, I have done, together with similar things, I confess it all.

--p.10-11 The Golden Light Sutra, translated byR.E. Emmerick, reprint of the 3rd edition 2001(with parentheses taken out for readability)

23. Padmasuri

There are two books by female FWBO order members. Srimala's Breaking Free is aptly titled, "Glimpses of a Buddhist Life". I wanted to find out how she meditated with two children, but she never told me. Similarly Naghabodhi wrote about India in his book Jai Bhim! Dispatches from a peaceful Revolution. While the two previous books are worthy in their own way, I found Padmasuri's book But Little Dust: life amongst the 'ex-untouchable' buddhist of india topped both in their project by going deeper.

Padmasuri's book is in 3 sections. There was the time she worked there as a nurse and acclimated herself to some degree. There is a middle section of fiction, that perhaps conveys a woman's life in India. And in the final section she is a Dharma teacher, traveling all over India.

I particularly wanted to know more about a retreat she briefly describes, how she came to the decision not to have children. I also wanted her to update the book, because the first edition was in 1990, the second in 1997.

But what she gave me was rich and provoked me to more thought. I've been corresponding with Anil in Pune, and quite enjoyed getting more information about his conditions there. There are no other books like this one, I searched on Amazon. I liked her description, too, of the project of taking Buddhism to India. Or rather supporting it in India. She called it a coals to Newcastle project.

I also quite enjoyed her description of a trip to a cave where Padmasambhava meditated.

I'm going to see if Alyssa wants to borrow it.

22. Advice from Me to Myself

Advice from Me to Myself by Patrul Rinpoche

Vajrasattva, sole deity, Master,
You sit on a full-moon lotus-cushion of white light
In the hundred-petalled full bloom of youth.

Think of me, Vajrasattva,
You who remain unmoved within the manifest display
That is Mahamudra, pure bliss-emptiness.


Listen up, old bad-karma Patrul,
You dweller-in-distraction.

For ages now you've been
Beguiled, entranced, and fooled by appearances.
Are you aware of that? Are you?
Right this very instant, when you're
Under the spell of mistaken perception
You've got to watch out.
Don't let yourself get carried away by this fake
and empty life.

Your mind is spinning around
About carrying out a lot of useless projects:
It's a waste! Give it up!
Thinking about the hundred plans you want to accomplish,
With never enough time to finish them,
Just weighs down your mind.
You're completely distracted
By all these projects, which never come to an end,
But keep spreading out more, like ripples in water.
Don't be a fool: for once, just sit tight.

Listening to the teachings — you've already
heard hundreds of teachings,
But when you haven't grasped the meaning of even
one teaching,
What's the point of more listening?

Reflecting on the teachings — even though you've listened,
If the teachings aren't coming to mind when needed,
What's the point of more reflection? None.

Meditating according to the teachings —
If your meditation practice still isn't curing
The obscuring states of mind—forget about it!

You've added up just how many mantras you've done —
But you aren't accomplishing the kyerim visualization.
You may get the forms of deities nice and clear —
But you're not putting an end to subject and object.
You may tame what appear to be evil spirits and ghosts,
But you're not training the stream of your own mind.

Your four fine sessions of sadhana practice,
So meticulously arranged —
Forget about them.

When you're in a good mood,
Your practice seems to have lots of clarity —
But you just can't relax into it.
When you're depressed,
Your practice is stable enough
But there's no brilliance to it.
As for awareness,
You try to force yourself into a rigpa-like state,
As if stabbing a stake into a target!

When those yogic positions and gazes keep your mind stable
Only by keeping mind tethered —
Forget about them!

Giving high-sounding lectures
Doesn't do your mind-stream any good.
The path of analytical reasoning is precise and acute —
But it's just more delusion, good for nothing goat-shit.
The oral instructions are very profound
But not if you don't put them into practice.

Reading over and over those dharma texts
That just occupy your mind and make your eyes sore —
Forget about it!

You beat your little damaru drum — ting, ting —
And your audience thinks it's charming to hear.
You're reciting words about offering up your body,
But you still haven't stopped holding it dear.
You're making your little cymbals go cling, cling —
Without keeping the ultimate purpose in mind.

All this dharma-practice equipment
That seems so attractive —
Forget about it!

Right now, those students are all studying so very hard,
But in the end, they can't keep it up.


Today, they seem to get the idea,
But later on, there's not a trace left.
Even if one of them manages to learn a little,
He rarely applies his "learning" to his own conduct.

Those elegant dharma disciplines —
Forget about them!

This year, he really cares about you,
Next year, it's not like that.
At first, he seems modest,
Then he grows exalted and pompous.
The more you nurture and cherish him,
The more distant he grows.

These dear friends
Who show such smiling faces to begin with —
Forget about them!

Her smile seems so full of joy —
But who knows if that's really the case?
One time, it's pure pleasure,
Then it's nine months of mental pain.
It might be fine for a month,
But sooner or later, there's trouble.

People teasing; your mind embroiled —
Your lady-friend —
Forget about her!

These endless rounds of conversation
Are just attachment and aversion —
It's just more goat-shit, good for nothing at all.
At the time it seems marvelously entertaining,
But really, you're just spreading around stories
about other people's mistakes.
Your audience seems to be listening politely,
But then they grow embarrassed for you.

Useless talk that just make you thirsty —
Forget about it!

Giving teachings on meditation texts
Without yourself having
Gained actual experience through practice,
Is like reciting a dance-manual out loud
And thinking that's the same as actually dancing.

People may be listening to you with devotion,
But it just isn't the real thing.

Sooner or later, when your own actions
Contradict the teachings, you'll feel ashamed.


Just mouthing the words,
Giving dharma explanations that sound so eloquent—
Forget about it!

When you don't have a text, you long for it;
Then when you've finally gotten it,
you hardly look at it.

The number of pages seems few enough,
But it's a bit hard to find time to copy them all.
Even if you copied down all the dharma texts on earth,
You wouldn't be satisfied.

Copying down texts is a waste of time
(Unless you get paid) —
So forget about it!

Today, they're happy as clams —
Tomorrow, they're furious.
With all their black moods and white moods,
People are never satisfied.
Or even if they're nice enough,
They may not come through when you really need them,
Disappointing you even more.

All this politeness, keeping up a
Courteous demeanor —
Forget about it!

Worldly and religious work
Is the province of gentlemen.
Patrul, old boy — that's not for you.

Haven't you noticed what always happens?
An old bull, once you've gone to the trouble of
borrowing him for his services,
Seems to have absolutely no desire left in him at all—
(Except to go back to sleep).

Be like that — desireless.


Just sleep, eat, piss, shit.
There's nothing else in life that has to be done.

Don't get involved with other things:
They're not the point.

Keep a low profile,
Sleep.

In the triple universe
When you're lower than your company
You should take the low seat.

Should you happen to be the superior one,
Don't get arrogant.

There's no absolute need to have close friends;
You're better off just keeping to yourself.

When you're without any worldly
or religious obligations,
Don't keep on longing to acquire some!

If you let go of everything —
Everything, everything —
That's the real point!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This advice was written by the practitioner Trime Lodro
(Patrul Rinpoche) for his intimate friend Ahu Shri
(Patrul Rinpoche), in order to give advice that is tailored
exactly to his capacities.

21. Shantinayaka and Amala

I had a good retreat, even though I was craving to go on the whole retreat, and not just the weekend, and I wanted to cram a bunch in because this might be my last retreat in a long time.

Driving up alone was OK because I listened to Sangharakshita lectures. I'm in the lectures on the Gold Light Sutra, which has a chapter on confession. And I called my father in California, which was a pleasant conversation.

I wasn't the only one late, Seth and Andrew ended up not getting there till all the activities were over too. I got to talk to them on the porch when I arrived, and that was nice. I woke Bill up when I went to my room, but he was nice about it.

Here's what the web site says about the retreat:

'Meditative awareness is more akin to hearing well than seeing clearly....' (from Stephen Batchelor, Living with the Devil). On this meditation retreat we will practice Mindfulness and Brahmavihara meditations to open our awareness and refine our ability to hear the 'cries of the world', to receive life as it is with all its pain and joys. As we cultivate stillness and quiet within we discover open space in which empathy and equanimity can be developed.

The retreat will be dedicated to Avalokitesvara, quintessential Bodhisattva of compassion.

Shantinayaka was ordained 15 years ago, in 1990. He taught at the London Buddhist Centre for 5 years and then moved to the West coast of the USA, helping to run the Seattle Buddhist Center for 8 years, teacher-in-residence at the San Francisco Buddhist Center for 1 year, and now based in Vancouver B.C. Has lead a number of meditation retreats over the years based on the contemplations outlined in the Anapanasati Sutta and the Brahma Viharas.

Amala was ordained in the year 2000. She has been studying and practicing Buddhism for more than 30 years. Amala is currently Director of Aryaloka Buddhist Center where she teaches many introductory classes and leads study groups and retreats. Amala has a particular interest in meditation. She has worked intensively with foundation mindfulness practices (Anapanasati and Satipatthana) and Bodhicitta practices over the last several years.

[end]

So Amala and Shantinayaka were the leaders. We meditated at 7, 10:30, 3 and 7 with a puja to end. Amala did Saturday and Shantinayaka did Sunday. We went into silence after the afternoon sit, though I walked and talked with Sita and Andrew before I left, and hugged Alyssa.

So good company, good leaders, wonderful setting inside the retreat center and out. I went for a walk along the river and disturbed the meditation of many frogs. I actually think frogs are good meditators, they sit very still. I had some deep sits. Some good thoughts based on what Amala and Shantinayaka said. I always love the food, though I'm afraid I seasoned the food too hot for Betsy. I liked Betsy's enthusiasm. I liked Sheila's poise. Sunada was there, and I had a good conversation with her while we prepared dinner, before we went into silence. And I had a very good talk with Sita.

The drive home was wonderful because I got to know Seth better, and he drove, thus saving me some energy I'll need for today to go back to work. A lovely lovely retreat, many thanks to everyone and especially Shantinayaka and Amala.

20. Anil

I've started a correspondence with Anil in Pune, India. I am quite excited. I hope I don't snow him over with details about my life, I hope I'm a good correspondent. I feel very lucky that he sent an e-mail to Vajramati asking for people to correspond with to bridge the gap between east and west in the order of F/WBO & TBMSG. A worthy goal.

Sangha night on Tuesday was good. I like meditating with the group. We have good discussions and it's good to hear Dharma talk. But I rush home, and I'm exhausted, because I have so much energy and have trouble falling asleep. I should go to sleep now, while I have the opportunity. I still cling to comfort.

I did get to listen to Sangharakshita lectures driving to work from New Jersey today, which feels dharmic.

19. Some links

http://www.tricycle.com/
http://www.westernbuddhistreview.com/
http://www.ciolek.com/WWWVL-Buddhism.html
http://online.sfsu.edu/~rone/Buddhism/BuddhismParents/BuddhismParents.html
http://www.geocities.com/bodhi_01au/index.html
http://www.windhorsepublications.com/
http://www.peacefuldwelling.org/
http://www.nyimc.org/
http://www.dharma.org/index.htm
http://www.aryaloka.org/
http://www.kamalashila.co.uk/
http://www.sangharakshita.com/
http://www.fwbo-nyc.org/
http://www.metta.lk/tipitaka/
http://www.geocities.com/manjushri_2000/buddhisttexts.html
http://www.dharmalife.com/
http://www.jamyang.co.uk/teachings/download_audio_mp3_teachings.html
http://www.ratnaprabha.freeserve.co.uk/
http://www.theopensecret.com/
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/buddhism/storybuddha.htm
http://www.fwbo-nyc.org/pdf-files.html
http://www.tibetanpaintings.com/
http://www.newyorkbuddhist.org/welcome/index.htm
http://diamondsutra.org/
http://www.cbsd.com/
http://www.geocities.com/longislanddharmagroup/
http://www.tbrc.org/
http://www.himalayanart.org/
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/index.html
http://www.tbmsg.org/index1.html
http://www.rmanyc.org/
http://www.bodhipaksa.com/photos/Padmasambhava2005/
http://www.dharma-media.org/media/general/dwnld/thanka/guru_rinpoche/emanations.html
http://www.dharma-media.org/media/general/dwnld/thanka/bodhisattvas/aryas.html
http://www.dharmalife.com/
http://www.buddhistchannel.tv/
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/outsources/audio.html
http://www.dharmastream.org/dharmatalks.html
http://www.satya.com/research/mantra.htm
http://www.thaistudents.com/album/index.html

18. spiritual urgency, courageous effort

When William woke at 5, I got up, even though it's Saturday. No work to get me up. But it's the only quiet time, and I like to meditate first thing in the morning. I made some coffee and read Sayadaaw U Pandita's book In This Very Life. He writes about courageous effort and spiritual urgency. Vajramati was talking about discipline of Milarepa. He said, "let me go home and tell them I'm going to be here." Milarepa said, "either stay or go and don't come back." So he stayed and became one of his top disciplines with great commitment to the three jewels. Having a child has taught me the importance of spiritual urgency, courageous effort.

The Metta Sutra

Metta Sutta: The Buddha's Words on Kindness

This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in saftey,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!

Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

The Heart Sutra

the heart sutra
 
The Bodhisattva of Compassion,
When he meditated deeply,
Saw the emptiness of all five skandhas
And sundered the bonds that caused him suffering
 
Here then,
Form is no other than emptiness,
Emptiness no other than form.
Form is only emptiness,
Emptiness only form.
 
Feeling, thought, and choice,
Consciousness itself,
Are the same as this.
 
All things are the primal void,
Which is not born or destroyed;
Nor is it stained or pure,
Nor does it wax or wane.
 
So, in emptiness, no form,
No feeling, thought, or choice,
Nor is there consciousness.
 
No eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, mind;
No colour, sound, smell, taste, touch,
Or what the mind takes hold of,
Nor even act of sensing.
 
No ignorance or end of it,
Nor all that comes of ignorance;
No withering, no death,
No end of them.
 
Nor is ther pain, or cause of pain,
Or cease in pain, or noble path
To lead from pain;
Not even wisdom to attain!
Attainment too is emptiness.
 
So know that the Bodhisattva
Holding to nothing whatever,
But dwelling in Prajna wisdom,
Is freed of delusive hindrance,
Rid of the fear bred by it,
And reaches clearest Nirvana.
 
All Buddhas of past and present,
Buddhas of future time,
Using this Prajna wisdom,
Come to full and perfect vision.
 
Hear then the great dharani,
The radiant peerless mantra,
The Prajnaparamita
Whose words allay all pain;
Hear and believe its truth!
 
Gata gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha

17. Vajramati

I met with Vajramati last night. We went to a crepe place. Good catching up with him. I've decided to focus more on going to sangha meetings on Tuesday night for a few months, and forgo the alternating of seeing him and then going to sangha meetings. I need more meditation support at the moment. I was worried he would be offended or off put, I do really appreciate his taking time out for me. And it's been wonderful to deepen our friendship. But right now I think I need to meditate more. It's such a struggle with children, a child, my sonny boy. He's woken up at 5am today, and he's taken a long time to go back asleep. So I'm going to meditate today. Monday-Yes, Tuesday-no, Wednesday-no, Thursday-yes!

16. Dayalocana

Ten years ago Dayalocana was ordained in the F/WBO. I don't know her except just a brief hello, but she's a leader up at Aryaloka, an important outpost of the FWBO in North America, on the eastern seaboard. Congratulations to Dayalocana!

I meditated this morning, I actually got up at 6 am. I think I'm going to skip mindfulness of breathing, in favor of the Bramha Viharas: metta, karuna, mudita & upekkha.

I read some of the first long discourse. Been reading Sayadaaw U Pandita's book In This Very Life also.

15. 8 manifestations

I put up the 8 manifestations of Padmasambhava in the kitchen, so I can be inspired when I'm in there.

I tried to meditate this morning, after a while. It was ragged, rough.

Sunanda lost a nephew, the sangha wishes Sunanda well.

I dip into Tara Bennett-Goleman's Emotional Alchemy sometimes.

Difficult day, my birthday around the corner. Narcissism and entitlement are on the rise.

14. Subhaddasi

Subhaddasi was here, and we profited greatly from his visit. He talked on Tuesday, Sangha night, and Saturday, a meditation day that Faye graciously hosted, and Vajramati cooked for. No more log of order members I have met, but it was an important visit.

This blog loses out to my mindfulness of William blog.

I've been reading Vessantara's Tales of Freedom. I'm always tired, overwhelmed, so I do try and repress my feelings, but I think where I am, is what I am, and I need to be more connected. I want to have more of an emotional calling for the three jewels.

How can I go for refuge more effectively? How can I manifest giving more emotionally? How can I meditate more, more effectively? How can I read more for quality than quantity? These are my present questions.