The retreat that changed me forever

 

"Equanimity gives selflessness to metta; gives patience, courage and fearlessness to compassion; guards joy from sentimentality; and brings all the ennobling qualities of the heart together in liberation."

Christina Feldman in Boundless Heart, give me the book of the Brahma Viharas I've always wanted. My first long retreat was on the Brahma Viharas and it blew my mind, changed the course of my life, enriched me immeasurably. I'm still living off those riches. I am so grateful I found myself to that retreat. 

Manapa led it. There were other order members and indeed Shrijnana led the shrine angels who created amazing shrines. There was a blind order member with the cutest dog. I remember hearing a really loud yawn in the shrine room, opening my eyes and realizing it was the dog, not a human.

At the end of 2002, the beginning of 2003 we meditated all 4 brahma viharas, and mindfulness of breathing and did pujas. It was at beautiful Aryaloka in Newmarket New Hampshire. Snow was all around. The two geodesic domes, on contained the kitchen, living room and library, with dorm rooms below. The other was dorms, another social room, and the shrine room above. I went on a zillion retreats after that one, and had more amazing experiences, but that first long retreat...

I sometimes feel stupid when I have insights that help me. In a way I think everyone's psychic ecology is different. We have different genetic inheritance, personality, childhoods and circumstances. There was one place I was hiding craving that was so sneaky to me, that I didn't even notice. To be a better self. Of course we need this urge to improve, but we can hold it the right way. 

Gratitude is revolutionary. Yes, you can write a gratitude journal every day and get psychic rewards. But real gratitude is rooted in not craving, you have to somehow get past the raging fires of desire, and stand with stillness and contentment where you are. It's all connected in Indra's net. And you can't just switch off craving--there needs to be mindfulness and a system of ethics, and a community (sangha) to support it.