Am I a fraud?

I like to entertain thought experiments. What if Spartacus had a Piper Cub? is a SNL comedy skit lambasting that way of thinking. 

My mind is unruly and like a leaky roof in the rains. I learned thought experiments in philosophy. A famous one is the trolly problem. It can evoke instinctual answers you wouldn't know you had because you've never been through a situation. 

What if I'm a fraud? I was reading the Dhammapada and I read "Even as rain leaks into a poorly roof house, so passions will penetrate an uncultivated mind." My leaky roof hasn't really changed much over the past 20 years.

When I first started going to Aryaloka in 2002, the roofs leaked quite a lot, that was before the great remodeling.

Sometimes speculation isn't good. Once I wondered aloud what would happen if the director of the school I worked at retired. A few days later, someone came to me with the rumor that the director was retiring. It shames me to remember that moment I couldn't put the feathers back into the feather pillow. But speculating with my own mind is OK. I'm sure I can misinterpret myself too, but I'm a little more confident things won't get out of hand.

I couldn't stop crying in my meditation this morning asking myself that question. To be honest since I found Buddhism, my life got better, but then it got worse, and I've been struggling for the past 10 years because of something bad I did. It's not Buddhism's fault I did something bad. Perhaps I turned to the Sith side. I exposed some of my antisocial shadow. (I think about Joseph Conrad's short story "The Secret Sharer".)

I thought about the Jets quarterbacks. Zach Wilson (37.0) is the top pick, expected to save the franchise. Mike White (52.6) is the backup who never really got a chance, and exploded onto the scene when he got his chance, but was exposed in a game and performed poorly. Josh Johnson (67.1) is a journeyman at the end of his career who's been elevated from the practice squad and came in and performed well, in a prevent defense that was designed to limit the comeback of a the team, but allow some things. 

If you look at the quarterback rating, an objective measure of quarterback success the backup to the backup is the best quarterback. Then the backup. Then the star, top pick, savior. 

Life is confusing. What is success? I've gotten better at self sabotage and exposing my flaws--is that better? It's more honest to be sure, but it's not really playing on a level field where everyone hides.

There's a study that "spiritual people" are more narcissistic. Does going spiritual reinforce narcissism.

In my readings about personality disorder, the language was normalized and destigmatized. Nobody is perfect. The judgement laden language isn't helpful. I'm not as devastated by "narcissism" and "avoidant" as I used to be. The mind does what it has to do to survive. Without our unconscious defenses, we would murder and suicide. 

In what way is it true that I'm a fraud?

In a way, it's like the more you know, the less certain you are. By tuning in you see how fraudulent and unmindful and unethical and uninsightful you are, you can see it and that can make you feel more like it is you. Luickly Buddhism isn't about fixed identity. You can change, wake up. That is the good news.

I can play the highlight reel of my mistakes and cringe cringe cringe. That's not productive. I want to see my limitations so I can work to improve them, not beat myself up. I'm a little late to that insight, but better late than never. 

I was reading a reddit post where someone was complaining that disclosing that he was interested in Buddhism, a person told him that he shouldn't joke about going out and getting wasted. It was true, but I'm no sure if this person was meant to be his spiritual guide. My ex pointed things out and I used the fact that she wasn't part of my tradition to neutralize her feedback, but it was true now that I look at it from a distance. 

My "spiritual guide" said at one point that I needed a lobotomy. Is there some way I could cut out my unhelpful ways to streamline my journey? I needed to make the mistakes I made to learn from them the way I have learned from them. Am I too broken to progress? I don't think so. Turns out spiritual friends can be just as fickle as regular people. "Spiritual" doesn't make it so. A true friend sticks by you through thick and thin. The Dhammapada says, "The disciple who travels along cannot find a companion better or equal, let him firmly pursue his solitary career. There is no companionship with the foolish." Perhaps that refers to me in this faux friendship. The Bodhisattva doesn't just associate with equals and superiors. The good samaritan aspect of the Bodhisattva ideal confirms me forever as a Mahayanist, and curbs my spiritual selfishness and individualism. The Buddha chastised monks for abandoning a sick monk as not being helpful to their spiritual progress. The spiritual guide's frustration remains with him, I do not accept the gift.

I don't think I'm a fraud, but I have partaken in fraudulence by accidental, unconscious, unmindfulness, and hopefully seen it and learned from it. That's the most helpful outlook I can come up with.