To meditate deeply, there's a kind of persistence, which also overcomes boredom and knee pain, and to fighting to find a teacher, through all the thicket of obstacles. To meditate deeply is to see in a way all the things that hold you back. That's why I see the use of Tara as important, to see your own obstacles. The whole Tibetan mythology, the 5 Buddhas, the whole panoply, they are another support on the path. Stepping beyond the psychological idealism into a real perception.
One thing I learned in AA, my fortunate fall wasn't all bad, is that you create your own recovery philosophy, psychology, program by owning what is around you. A good sangha has the rudimentary tools to cobble together a personal program, and the support and encouragement to do it. You can adopt it from those around you, being with others helps you to see what planks you can reuse to build your own meditation hut, the way Thoreau built his hut on Walden from used planks from Irish railroad workers. Teachings that don't make sense you can leave aside. Every day I create the inspiring teachings that propel me forward.
It was almost good that nobody else was a Buddhist at my AA meetings, when I spoke about Buddhism being utilized by myself to overcome addiction, it didn't matter that nobody applauded me, they could see maybe what I was doing and it didn't matter if they didn't understand the tradition. To be around other Buddhist who care about the tradition feels really sacred to me. It's a very lucky thing. Every second of past experience and memory is cherished. You can lose the ability to be around the sangha, you will lose it because it's impermanent.
Psychological obstacles are to be worked with, they're in a way a joy, just like realizing you haven't been following the breath, that is the joy of coming to, awakening. The negative undertow of my negative thinking can twist things up, and not see the silver linings. The "at least.." reframing really helps me. There exists a culture and a lineage that carries the teachings forth, and they are shared out of joy, the way you would share good food at a party.
The asceticism can evolve naturally, as you see how obstacles are preventing yourself going deeper. I have learned the hard way that it's easy to justify anything, but if you're really honest, the ethics support the meditation. Seeing the harm done to others is hard for me, I fight seeing it, assimilating it. It's hard not to veganize your whole life trying to avoid harm.
Striving and energy support. It can all cohere into a path with real movement. Even being stuck is a joy. And any false summit you reach can have a great view of where else you can strive for. Wanting a guide is natural and there's enough feedback from yourself on the path to be a teacher. It's natural to share the bounty you have enjoyed. Others share so generously:
“…the instruction on seclusion could additionally be employed as a reminder to let go of our worries, concerns, responsibilities, and tasks when approaching the location which we have chosen for engaging in mindfulness of breathing. The idea is to tell ourselves that all such issues can be set aside for the time being, to be taken up again once the meditation period is over.“ (Mindfulness of Breathing Bhikkhu Analayo)
Links to read:
The Value of Being Uncomfortable
Amazing Reddit list of sutras.
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